Saturday

May 28th, 2022

Insight

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published August 2, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Olympics organizers in Japan praised the athletes for their performance and sportsmanship in the first week of the Games. There was one ugly incident. The head of the Somali Olympic team apologized to organizers Wednesday after realizing that shooting and sailing were two different events.

Jeff Bezos is asking NASA to grant him a Moon Lander contract at his expense so that he can join the space race. The FAA said that since last week's flight was sub-orbital, Jeff Bezos cannot claim to be an astronaut. Although, given the shape of his space ship, he can claim to be a sperm cell.

The Albany Times Union reports the sale of low- and non-alcohol beer is booming in New York led by Coors Edge, Brew Dog, Heineken Zero and O'Doul's. A friend of mine who got hooked on O'Doul's joined Non-Alcoholics Anonymous. They meet, but only one-half of one percent of the time.

The Olympic Games in Japan began its second week Friday with television ratings starting to soar. Each nation can boast its own unique athletic skills. Mexico's team is going for the gold, the silver, the bronze, the tin, the lead, old car batteries, copper pipes and any old cables and refrigerators.

USA Olympic star Suni Lee won the coveted gold medal in the women's all-around gymnastic competition in Japan Thursday. More people watched her Olympic performance than anyone else's. That's because of all the men who'd gone on the Internet and searched Flexible Asian Teenage Girls.

Olympic gymnast Simone Biles stole the headlines last week by withdrawing from the Games to focus on her mental state. The concerns about her mental well-being are not likely to affect her future endorsement deals. Simone just agreed to have Britney Spears' father manage her career.

President Biden addressed the nation Thursday and spelled out his plan to wipe out the Delta variant and put the virus behind us. We can only hope the plan will work. The White House wants to require vaccination and face masks unless you can provide proof that you crossed the border illegally.

The White House issued an order to government agencies and the Pentagon requiring military personnel and federal employees to wear face masks. It's causing union problems. Actors' Equity announced Thursday that everyone's going to have to have a union card if they're going to do theater.

President Biden announced that the U.S. government will pay anyone who is unvaccinated one hundred dollars to get the shot. He griped that unvaccinated Americans didn't turn out to be as smart as he thought. As Biden would say they pose the greatest threat to our democracy since the SAT.

President Biden responded Thursday to a teacher's union threat not to open schools this fall by demanding all schools re-open under any safety guidelines necessary. Parents let out a huge sigh of relief. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an entire vineyard to home-school one.

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President Biden was mocked Wednesday after claiming at a Mack Trucks factory that he used to drive an eighteen wheeler. Records show he rode in one once. Minutes after Joe Biden claimed he's ridden some big rigs, Kamala Harris, not to be outdone, boasted that she's ridden some Big Wigs.

Speaker Pelosi announced she's mandating the wearing of face masks on the House floor by all Members of the House of Representatives. Yet Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer did not mandate masks in the Senate. Apparently science disappears somewhere in the middle of the Rotunda.

The Pentagon continued pulling U.S. service personnel out of Afghanistan along with Afghan interpreters. Critics say it's creating a haven for Al-Qaeda. Maybe we should show terrorists video of Americans using self-checkout lanes at the store, because then they'd know we pose no threat to them.

Harvard released a study saying one third of all American adults are now obese, with minority women having the highest rate. Among whites obesity is most prevalent across the Bible Belt. The New Revised American Bible now says in the Book of Genesis that Ham had a brother named Cheese.

The Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners took one step toward joining the Southeastern Conference Wednesday by nullifying future TV commitments to the Big 12. This is huge to me. From birth, my two favorite teams have been Oklahoma and whoever is playing Notre Dame that day.

NBC announcers praised USA women's gymnasts for inspiring Americans and they certainly inspired me. I was going to write a sports joke but now I've decided to focus on writing a joke about mental health. I am no longer speaking to my imaginary friend due to our political differences.

U.S. Olympic women's gymnast team star Simone Biles withdrew from the finals in Tokyo this week citing mental health problems. Not the first Olympian to suffer a meltdown, she's receiving support from people throughout the mental health community. Tonya Harding told her to break a leg.

NBC's coverage of the Olympics began to draw higher ratings this week as storylines around the athletes began to garner interest. What sparked my interest are the new demonstration sports in this year's Games. What time tonight is the USA competing in the Air Force One steps dismount?

The White House asked social media for help Wednesday in dispelling myths alleging the danger of Covid vaccine. For instance, Pfizer does NOT want to kill you with their vaccine, they want to keep you alive long enough until you need Viagra. A dead customer does not help their bottom line.

Kamala Harris declared Tuesday if you are vaccinated you do not need to wear a mask, saying this while she wore a mask and months after her vaccination. If I were her I'd also be covered in Saran Wrap for safety. If you were next in line under THIS president, how careful would you play it?

Seattle's mayor reversed course Monday and said the city needs more cops after a weekend of violence. They're beset by racial anger, anarchy, arson and shootouts. You could see this coming over a decade ago when the NBA Sonics left Seattle for Oklahoma and the relative safety of the Wild West.

National Geographic warned of a flea infestation in the Southwest spread by prairie dogs from Texas into New Mexico. This could spruce up the National Anthem. It may have taken two hundred and thirty years, but Americans can finally sing we are the Land of the Fleas and Home of the Plague.

Australia returned to total lockdown last week to try to choke off the Delta variant's infection rate once and for all. Meantime, Australians beachgoers have been warned not to sunbathe too close to the ocean's edge. With no one allowed in the water, sharks now have to do curbside pick up.

Governor Gavin Newsom accused recall voters of wanting to return to Jim Crow. Those were old Southern laws that trapped blacks in the outnumbered GOP by keeping them out of Democratic primaries. People who believe that the government loves them probably believe strippers love them, too.


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