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Jewish World Review August 26, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Trump said Jews who vote for Democrats are disloyal to Israel Tuesday due to the anti-Israel House Democrats pushing a Muslim agenda. CNN quoted Trump saying Jews were being disloyal to America by voting Democrat. Trump could have killed Hitler and CNN would call him a Germaphobe.
• Washington state drug agents found a million dollars worth of cocaine packed inside bananas in a market. What a great idea. If the United Fruit Company periodically packed a few bananas in every shipment with cocaine and advertised it, it could replace Lotto Fever in California without even trying.
• The Democratic presidential candidates split their time campaigning in Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire. In the race for the nomination, their elbows are starting to fly. Bernie Sanders is considering identifying as a woman in order to get back the Elizabeth Warren votes.
• The Department of Education reported that teachers unions are claiming a shortage of one hundred thousand teachers for classrooms across the country. It affects everything. The teacher shortage is so severe in Los Angeles that students could be forced to have sex with each other this fall.
• Jeffrey Epstein's fellow underage sex crime participants were warned by the Attorney General they'll be prosecuted. Few people believe he took his own life. The Medical Examiner ruled Epstein's death was a suicide caused by hanging, more specifically hanging around with the Clintons.
• The New York Post reports that Jeffrey Epstein's body will be given a second and independent autopsy to get a second opinion on whether his death was by suicide or murder. Following that, they decided to play Epstein's favorite Bach Cantata at his funeral. Naturally it's the one in A Minor.
• The Social Security Administration's solvency was assessed by financial experts last week and they painted a grim picture of the benefit's future. The Baby Boomers may eat it all up. It looks like the only way a Millennial will ever receive Social Security payments is to marry Larry King, and soon.
• CNN's legendary interviewer Larry King announced in Beverly Hills he's leaving his seventh wife after she broke his heart and is filing for divorce. The great broadcaster is surely working his way into the history books. One more wife and Larry King gets to start his own religion.
• The Transportation Department predicted a record amount of travel on Labor Day. I'm going to drive down to Mexico to vote in their election and demand free health care while I wave the U.S. flag. If they refuse, I'm going to riot, attack their police and sue them. Are you up for a road trip?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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