• Astronomy Magazine warns people to wear dark glasses for the solar eclipse. Don't miss it. This is the one time in our lives we can look up at the sky and watch the missiles coming from North Korea and the missiles heading for North Korea pass in front of the sun at the same time.
• Los Angeles schools were compelled to create nuclear attack drills for kids. When Baby Boomers were kids, nuclear attack drills included lining us up in the hallway, bent over and face down with our hands over our heads. It was great early training for waiting in line for concert tickets.
• The Department of Homeland security reported on Thursday that twenty-three percent of all federal prisoners are illegal immigrants. It's a dream come true. They crossed the border looking for free food, free medical and free rent, but they never thought they'd get free gym membership, too.
• An AMA Journal study Friday said one of eight Americans are now diagnosable as alcoholics, due likely to the huge number of Millennials turning thirty, an age when the fun starts turning into problems. I understand the moment of truth. Alcohol isn't the answer but it was always my first guess.
• President Trump is spending seventeen days at his Trump National Bedminster Golf Resort in Pinewood, New Jersey in what he calls a working vacation. During this time, the White House is undergoing major renovations. They are going to replace the carpeting, the kitchen, and North Korea.
• Secretary of State Rex Tillerson assured North Korea that President Trump seeks no overthrow of President Kim Jung Un. It should be possible for these two leaders to co-exist. In a recent blind side-by-side taste test, there was no difference found between Trump Cola and the Kim Jung Un Cola.
• The Gallup Poll showed low approval for the president, for Congress and Washington. We are too split to agree on anything. Liberals believe in equal opportunity while conservatives believe in personal liberty, and libertarians believe the three branches of government are Larry, Moe and Curly.
• Hillary Clinton was reportedly offered a plea deal by the Justice Department in the criminal case involving her missing e-mails. It would finally put the case to rest. Hillary lost the presidency in November, putting an end to the Clinton dream of being America's first two-impeachment family.
• Australia's prime minister laughed off the Washington Post's revealing the transcripts of his phone call with Trump. It's our country's most important Pacific listening post. If you don't hear anything from Australia in the next twenty-four hours, you'll know a nuclear war started tomorrow.
• President Trump vowed to take action against North Korea when told that they have succeeded in miniaturizing a nuclear warhead to fit in a missile. How bad does it look for North Korea? This morning, Kim Jung Un dropped off his clothes at the dry cleaners and they made him pay in advance.
• The Wall Street Journal likened the U.S.-North Korean confrontation to a game of high stakes poker. That's a good call. Last night, Uncle Sam looked across the table at North Korea and said I'll see your dangerous, unpredictable, thin-skinned leader and raise you the Seventh Fleet.
• Al Gore's documentary An Inconvenient Sequel is a total bomb, finishing last at the box office last week. He can't be happy. Your cause may need re-thinking when it's a hundred degrees outside and a movie about global warming can't even get people into a movie theater for the air conditioning.
• The Atlantic magazine ran an article about Hillary Clinton looking into her plans for life after politics. It reveals she may follow up on her long-held desire to join the Methodist ministry. In her first official act following her ordination, Hillary is expected to sue Satan for breach of contract.
• The Justice Department vowed to find the leakers of the transcripts of Trump's phone calls with foreign leaders to the Washington Post. That was low. Next the Post will run transcripts of Trump's call to the pope, asking him for forgiveness of his sins and for the plans to the Vatican City wall.
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