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Jewish World Review Aug. 30, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• NASA scientists announced they've discovered a planet just like Earth four million light years away from Earth which may have water, oxygen and our same climate. They found this planet ten weeks before either Hillary or Trump gets elected president. If that's not perfect timing, then what is?
• Jimmy Kimmel denied Hillary Clinton's pickle jar lid was loosened before she opened it on his show Tuesday to prove she's healthy. It was ever thus. Hillary Clinton can't even open a pickle jar without it looking suspicious enough for a special prosecutor to have to be appointed to investigate.
• USA Today says high school students in Argentina held a Hitler-themed party last week where they dressed up like Hitler. An astonishing number of young Americans in a poll don't know who he is. That allows Hillary and Trump to call each other Hitler without being hassled by fact-checkers.
• Hillary Clinton raised ten million dollars from movie stars at Hollywood parties last weekend in Los Angeles. Just a month ago the stars all backed Bernie Sanders. The way you determine the number of people at a Hollywood party is that you count the number of faces and then divide by two.
• Hillary Clinton refused to answer shouted questions about her email scandal and the Clinton Foundation donor access to her at State Friday. Experts say Hillary's campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and run out the clock. It's the same strategy she uses to stay married to Bill.
• Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was interviewed on Fox News last week when his poll numbers reached ten percent. He needs fifteen percent in the polls get into the debates. Libertarians believe that the ideal weight for a government official is three pounds, including the urn.
• San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem Friday, saying it stands for racism even though he himself was adopted and raised by white parents. He's now in talks with Hollywood to make a movie about his childhood. It's called Eighteen Years a Slave.
• A German scientist working in a laboratory in Israel created a sonic black hole on Friday. The sonic black hole is when sound waves can't escape from a fluid moving faster than the speed of sound and creates total silence. If only he could've been perfected it before this election cycle began.
• The L.A. Times took Hillary Clinton to task for her non-stop fundraising raids on Los Angeles last weekend. She attended dozens in Beverly Hills. At the last party she walked into the house and was seated in the living room and surrounded by her friends, who told Hillary this is an intervention.
• Donald Trump will deliver a nationally televised speech Wednesday from Phoenix in which he will lay out his immigration plan for the border. Trump spent the last week making his original plan a little more humane. Instead of building a wall, he only wants a heavy curtain or a moveable partition.
• The New York Post columnist Cindy Adams wrote fondly of Donald Trump's days in the Seventies when he chased beauty pageant winners all over town. We know one thing, if Trump is elected president he cannot be blackmailed for any skeletons in his closet. He's proud of every one of them.
• Daily Variety says a Hollywood studio is going to make a movie about the late Wisconsin cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. After twenty years there's still a family legal battle over the cannibal's brain. His mother wanted the brain donated to a medical school but his father wanted it donated to a law school.
• The Wall Street Journal reports that Britain's exit from the European Union is resulting in an economic boom. There are no more dead-weight countries to carry around. Queen Elizabeth is worth billions because she once reigned over a quarter of the globe but was smart enough to sell short.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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