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Jewish World Review Aug. 29, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• A Wall Street Journal poll showed that fifty percent of American voters consider the possibility of voter fraud a major problem in the presidential election this fall. So it's an even split. The other fifty percent wondered who'd possibly want to rig the election for either of these two candidates to win.
• North Korea just successfully launched a missile from a submarine in the Sea of Japan. The country's on a roll. Friday morning North Korean TV launched its own version of Netflix which they are calling Man-Bang, and by nightfall they had forty thousand subscribers in West Hollywood.
• The Los Angeles Rams drew ninety thousand fans to each of the first two exhibition games in the L.A. Coliseum, indicating the team is a hit. Pre-season attendance has been good all around the NFL. The players say it's nice to be back under the lights, besides the ones in the interrogation rooms.
• U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte was dropped by his four sponsors Monday after he trashed a gas station in Rio then tried to pass it off as a robbery. He's a born gag writer. When Ryan Lochte told reporters he didn't lie, he exaggerated, Hillary Clinton offered him a hundred dollars for the joke.
• Hillary Clinton went on the Jimmy Kimmel Show in Hollywood on Tuesday where she opened a pickle jar to prove her fitness for the White House. That's not enough for people in L.A. Until she tries on the bloody glove no one's going to believe she didn't kill the guy who turned in her e-mail.
• The House Oversight Committee will question FBI director Jim Comey in two weeks about his progress in investigating Hillary for perjury over her House e-mail testimony last year. Hillary lives in a two-story house in Chappaqua. One story she tells Congress, the other story she tells the FBI.
• Dr. Drew Pinsky's TV show on the Headline News Network was cancelled Thursday less than a week after he publicly said he was worried about Hillary Clinton's health from what he saw. Word got around fast. The next day Dr. Oz diagnosed Hillary Clinton's medical condition as immortal.
• The Los Angeles Times poll had the U.S. presidential race even Friday. The campaign rhetoric shows the progress we've made in America. Last week, Trump called Hillary a racist bigot in his speech and Hillary called Trump a racist bigot in her speech and neither one of them are Southerners.
• George Clooney raved about his dog Einstein while promoting the joys of pet adoption during a political fundraiser he hosted for Hillary Clinton in Los Angeles. In the long run it doesn't matter if you adopt a dog or host a fundraiser for the presidential candidates. Either way, your rug is ruined.
• Bernie Sanders launched his political group Our Revolution Wednesday but eight staffers quit when they found it can take large donations. He's always been a true liberal. Back when he was a little boy and his friends played Cowboys and Indians, Bernie was always the Chinese railroad worker.
• Hillary Clinton was found Tuesday to have scheduled half of her Secretary of State telephone meetings with Clinton Foundation donors. It looks like access-buying. Hillary is so afraid the media will blow this up into a huge story that she just asked Ryan Lochte to make up another robbery.
• Donald Trump launched his minority outreach Wednesday by addressing a crowd in Jackson, Mississippi, a city that's eighty percent black. He began his speech by asking blacks and Hispanics to trust him as president. It's always a smart idea to open with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.
• Donald Trump conducted a town hall meeting in Austin Tuesday where he said he would meet with the president of Mexico if elected U.S. president. A day before, the president of Mexico said he would meet with Trump if he were elected president. It'll be just the two of them and their food tasters.
• The White House wired over one billion dollars to Iran shortly after flying them four hundred million cash on a cargo plane. This didn't go unnoticed. Three health insurance companies are thinking about taking U.S. hostages till Obama pays them a fair price for covering all these deadbeat sick people.
• Republican Party officials were reported Monday to be devising a GOP strategy assuming that Hillary Clinton is going to win the presidential election. It's a plan of action. They've asked the British Embassy how many Republicans the Grand Cayman Islands could accept as political refugees.
• The British Medical Journal Lancet issued a warning Tuesday about the effects of hard liquor cocktails. Vodka on ice can give you kidney failure, rum over ice can give you liver failure, whisky on ice can cause heart problems and Scotch over ice rots your brain. Apparently ice is really bad for you.
• The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports that a woman from Hawaii won ten million dollars playing the penny slots at the Wynn. The casino is a true reflection of America. It's amazing how the people playing the nickel slots look over at the people playing the penny slots and consider them white trash.
• NASA scientists said they've found an Earth-like planet in the next solar system twenty trillion miles from Earth and it may have water and oxygen. It'd take our fastest spacecraft seventy-five thousand years to get there. This planet's discovery takes a lot of pressure off Canada this November.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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