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Jewish World Review August 13, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• India erected a porn firewall Friday that will block thousands of X-rated sites from being viewed by Internet users in India. They can still log onto U.S. porn sites with misleadingly proper names. It took the cancellation of porn videos to get the people of India to call America for tech support.
• Donald Trump admitted in the GOP debate he participated in wielding money to gain influence, power and favors in Washington D.C. He said the reason that Hillary Clinton attended his wedding was that he gave her money. Coincidentally that was the same reason Mrs. Trump attended the wedding.
• The Bridgestone Golf Invitational was won by Shane Lowry at Firestone Country Club in Akron Sunday. He wore the logos of six sponsors, two on his shirt and one on each sleeve and two on his cap. When he held up the trophy he looked like the only man to ever win at both Firestone and Daytona.
• Joe Biden was mum Tuesday on whether he will announce he's running for president, however his friends and family report that Joe's been acting more and more presidential lately. Just last week, he made a secret diplomatic trip to Mexico. Unfortunately he was headed for Canada at the time.
• A U.S. Coast Guard cutter sailed home to San Diego after capturing twenty-eight tons of cocaine off Colombia. It's the biggest haul in years. The last time there was twenty-eight tons of cocaine in San Diego, the Padres stole three hundred bases, and that was just in the first game of a double-header.
• The Weather Channel reported a record heat wave in the Middle East sent temperatures in Iran to one hundred and thirty degrees in Teheran on Friday. It's Iran's highest temperatures in history. Protestors stuck their American flags outside their car windows and they burst into flames on their own.
• Jericho the Lion wandered away from his job protecting his brother Cecil's cubs to eat a giraffe on Monday so a rival lion arrived and ate one of the cubs while mating with Cecil's widow. Jericho just sat there eating. It just confirms the feeling most Americans have that Pete Rose isn't that bad a person.
• Germany ended college tuition Thursday and announced Germany will also offer free college to American students who speak German. It's a priceless education. You learn how to get another country to pay for the defense of Europe so you can offer free college tuition and look like the good guy.
• The L.A. Times predicted that the next president's election will depend on the candidate's appeal to Hispanic voters. It's about turnout. One poll shows Hillary Clinton leading Donald Trump by forty points among Hispanics but Trump leads Hillary by ninety points among people who hire Hispanics.
• Hillary Clinton agreed to turn over her e-mail server to the Justice Department Tuesday. It had top secret classified information on it but there was no evidence she used encryption. Hillary could be the first member of the Clinton family in history to be impeached before the New Hampshire primary.
• Mitch McConnell promised a budget without a government shutdown when Congress returns in September. No one wants a shutdown. Roads won't get repaired, home loans won't get approved, and officials won't be reachable at the office, and that's if we can keep the government up and running.
• The USS George H.W. Bush aircraft carrier went on maneuvers in the Atlantic. It's named for the president who originally made Saddam Hussein a villain for keeping a tight lid on Iraq. And if you don't think the U.S. government has a sense of humor, we named our intelligence headquarters after him.
• GOP leaders urged Americans to express opposition to the Iran deal by calling their lawmakers at home during the five-week August recess. It's easy to call your U.S. congressman or U.S. senator if you happen to have their contact numbers. They are five thousand, ten thousand and twenty-five thousand.
• California Democrats passed a bill Monday essentially granting California citizenship to anyone who's living here and working here. The future is alarmingly clear. TCM aired the movie Gandhi on Sunday and Republicans caught themselves rooting for the British to hold on to what's rightfully theirs.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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