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Jewish World Review August 19, 2014 / 23 Menachem-Av, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Burger King announced it's phasing out Satis-Fries, which were low calorie, low fat, low sodium French fries served in small portions. Their appeal turned out to be very limited. Satis-Fries were only popular with drive-through customers who needed something to quiet the dog.
• The State Department announced it's giving Ukraine the money to build a border fence to keep the Russians out. How brilliant. It allows President Obama to keep his campaign promise he'd build a border fence without it costing Democrats the Hispanic vote in November .
• Jeb Bush didn't deny presidential aspirations while campaigning in Florida Friday. He's got one big advantage over his father and his brother. Thanks to the situation forced upon Barack Obama by ISIS, Jeb would be the first Bush to take office with Iraq already pre-invaded.
• The White House saluted Iraq Friday on its change of government as a first step to ending civil strife. There was other good news on the international front. The same day, the Middle East sent diplomats to the United States to try to negotiate a cease-fire in Missouri.
• The U.N. announced preparations Friday for the opening of the General Assembly in September. The human spirit can be a beautiful thing. On the first night of the street riots in St. Louis, the local news showed a black guy, a white guy, and a Hispanic guy, and they were carrying a TV set together.
• John Kerry failed to pacify Chinese-Vietnamese tensions in the South China Sea Friday. He failed to stop the Gaza fighting, the Syrian civil war, and ISIS slaughter in Iraq. Back in high school science class John Kerry invented a smoke alarm that lets you sleep an extra ten minutes.
• New Jersey police arrested thirteen members of a street gang whom they caught making counterfeit one-hundred dollar bills on Thursday. These bills wouldn't have fooled anybody outside their own neighborhood. For starters, Ben Franklin has his baseball cap on backwards.
• Pew Research released a report Friday called Robots and the Future of Jobs, which says in ten years it'll be common to have robots as sex partners. They are still experimenting with it. The first attempt didn't turn out too well, but Tipper wound up with an enormous settlement.
• Al Gore sued Al Jazeera for their slowness paying five hundred million dollars they owe him for Current TV network. That sale plus his Google stock has made Gore as rich as Mitt Romney. It shows young people that the sky's the limit if you are boring, white and unelectable.
• The New York Daily News reported the city of Cormorant, Minnesota, just elected a seven-year-old dog named Duke to be its mayor Tuesday. The city of Cormorant has a mayor that urinates in the park, sleeps on the front lawn, and he eats out of the trash. Your move, Toronto.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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