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Jewish World Review August 21, 2013 / 15 Elul, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Alex Rodriguez hit a late-inning homer to beat the Red Sox at Fenway Park in ESPN's Sunday game. Back in the first inning the Red Sox pitcher threw at A-Rod three times before he hit him in the back. Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner denied calling for the pitch.
• San Diego Mayor Bob Filner met secretly with famed women's rights attorney Gloria Allred in San Diego Monday over the women he sexually harassed. For six hours Bob didn't grope Gloria and she didn't speak to reporters. They both nearly died of withdrawal.
• Dick Van Dyke is unharmed after he was pulled out of a burning Jaguar on a freeway Monday. The car just burst into flames. He drove the same model Jaguar that's used by the Royal Family, most likely when a princess threatens to go public with family secrets.
• Scotland Yard is probing a claim Princess Diana was assassinated by British Special Forces. She died with her Egyptian boyfriend in a high-speed car crash in a Paris tunnel. The British and the Americans aren't too alarmed by the story but Egypt seems very upset.
• Olympic star Oscar Pistorius was charged with murdering his fiancee in South Africa Monday. The judge let him travel for international competition. He's slated to compete in Los Angeles this fall against O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake in the Killing Chicks Olympics.
• The Butler was ripped by the GOP because it's got Nancy Reagan running U.S. foreign policy and bringing down communism. She's played by Jane Fonda. If Hanoi Jane is playing the woman who brought down communism all you can say is, sister, that's acting.
• Joe Biden set up a presidential campaign organization Sunday for a White House run in three years. Raising hundreds of millions of dollars in donations will be easy for the vice president. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny.
• New York City public advocate Bill de Blasio surged to the lead in the New York mayor's race Saturday. It's a four-candidate race in the overwhelmingly Democratic city. Anthony Weiner was in fourth place, or as he prefers to call it, at the bottom of a foursome.
• Colorado put strict noise level controls on oil and gas wells Tuesday. The lawmakers want to ensure the legendary quiet of the Rockies at night. All that moaning in Texas and Oklahoma when oil hits a hundred dollars a barrel has neighbors banging on the walls.
• President Obama was urged by U.S. senators on Monday to take action in Egypt. One choice leads to a miltary dictatorship and the liquidation of all opposition while the other choice leads to Islamic rule and the liquidation of all infidels. May we choose wisely.
• The CIA admitted it overthrew Iran's elected leader Mohamed Mossadegh fifty years ago. He'd nationalized Western owned oil companies. That very night, somewhere in Wyoming a twelve-year-old Dick Cheney heard the Voice of the Lord and a policy was born.
• Coldwell Banker said one out of four millenials between the ages of twenty and thirty in New Jersey have moved back home with their parents. It's the flip side of huge suburban homes. The only reason college kids in California do so well after graduation is because real estate is too valuable for multi-room homes and the ground is too shifty for basements.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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