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Jewish World Review August 20, 2013 / 14 Elul, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Alex Rodriguez vowed legal action against his baseball suspension Friday. He knows his rights. In this country you have the right to remain silent, anything you say on the phone, anything you type on your laptop or any photo you text can be used against you.
• Major League Baseball made plans to use videotaped reviews of umpire's calls next year. Every play in every game will be monitored by six cameras and relayed to a review booth in New York. It's the final proof that surveillance is now America's national pastime.
• The Department of Education vowed Friday to improve student test scores in public schools, which fell last year. Nothing reflects a country's prestige like the quality of its public education. The national language of the United States is now third-grade English.
• Elvis Presley fans showed up in Memphis Thursday for the Graceland vigil. They sent out telephone messages to contest winners of a voucher for either cash or tickets to an Elvis tribute. The winners were instructed to press one for the money, two for the show.
• Jack Nicklaus shared old photos in Throwback Thursday on Instagram including his portrait on a British commemorative five pound note. It was for contribution to golf. Colombia immediately honored Willie Nelson by putting his picture on the five pound bale.
• California's Park Rangers discovered a plot in a forest where five hundred thousand pounds of marijuana was growing. It's a dilemma. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time there'd be world peace for two hours, followed by a global food shortage.
• President Obama refused to take sides in Egypt's turmoil Friday, calling for each side to stop the violence. Things are spiraling out of control. The Mideast is teetering, NSA surveillance is being uncovered, and Hillary is trailing a rodeo clown by ten points in Iowa.
• Cairo erupted in pitched battles between the Army and the Muslim Brotherhood last week. Many middle class Egyptians are revolting because in their system the poor get handouts and the rich get bailouts. Thank God that could never happen in the United States.
• The Secret Service decided the rodeo clown who made fun of Barack Obama is not a threat. He's still comedian in chief. President Obama could tell ten jokes making fun of himself and bury any prop comic who can't tell an Obama joke without a mask and a bull.
• Eliot Spitzer led all polls for New York City comptroller Friday but Anthony Weiner's campaign faltered. The city appreciates effort. Eliot Spitzer rents hotel suites and pays a call girl four thousand dollars to commit adultery while Anthony Weiner just phones it in.
• Car and Driver published a survey Friday saying motorists rank Prius drivers as the worst drivers on the American road. It's true. Prius drivers stare at their miles per gallon on the dashboard until their kids beg them to get more focused on the road and text.
• San Diego Mayor Bob Filner was accused by a fourteenth woman of sexually groping her Friday. He's defiant. Last week he grabbed the microphone at his press conference and vowed that he will never resign but the microphone's taking two weeks off for therapy .
• The Washington Post reported that the NSA is monitoring private phone calls in the U.S. It sent a chill through the capital. Who wants to be overheard in Washington where nine out of ten telephone calls boil down to when can you pay me or what are you wearing?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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