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Jewish World Review August 12, 2013 / 6 Elul, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• President Obama flew home after his Tonight Show interview Tuesday and the next day he called off his summit meeting in Moscow with Russia's Vladimir Putin. It's an old, old story. You spend one night in Los Angeles and suddenly you're canceling meetings.
• The White House announced Gloria Steinem and Bill Clinton will receive the Medal of Freedom. Don't miss the ceremony. Gloria Steinem will recall her forty-year crusade asserting that women are more than sex objects, then Bill Clinton will deliver the rebuttal.
• The Powerball Lottery drawing on Tuesday resulted in three winners who will split the five hundred million dollar jackpot prize. The last three huge jackpots had only one winner. So this is the best day for the Republican voter registration team in two years.
• President Obama is vacationing on Martha's Vineyard in a different house than the one where he's stayed the past four years. That one was rented to an English family. He had to find another place to stay after his Fair Housing complaint was rejected by a judge.
• The University of Iowa was named the top party school in Princeton Review's annual survey Tuesday. How on earth do they know? The Princeton Review analysts are a bunch of New Yorkers and the only time New Yorkers land in Iowa is when the plane crashes.
• The San Francisco Giants will install WiFi towers so fans can Tweet at games on stadium message boards. Fans can tweet comments between innings. Racist rants with happy organ music in the background could bring back baseball's claim to be the National Pastime.
• The NFL ordered refs to flag teams for excessive celebration this season. The league is adamant. From now one, no more spiking the ball after touchdowns, performing the chicken dance after sacking the quarterback, or chugging a beer after your dog wins a fight.
• The U.S. and Britain closed Mideast embassies after the NSA overheard terrorists planning an attack Sunday. It was a conference call where twenty al-Queda leaders planned an attack. The CIA identified them as Aiman al-Zawahiri and nineteen al-Qaeda number two's.
• President Obama said on the Tonight Show the NSA does not spy on Americans. They can monitor anyone's online postings, their web history and chat sessions. However if it can't keep Anthony Weiner from getting elected mayor, what good is it against al-Qaeda?
• New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner plummeted in the polls last week in the wake of his latest round of lewd texting confessions. He just released a list of nineteen ways to improve New York. It's great as long as you don't download it from your i-Phone.
• San Diego Mayor Bob Filner began sex rehab last Monday but during the week three more women said he'd groped them. So Filner's total is up to thirteen. That summer he spent working for the TSA in that under-cover reality show has really come back to haunt him.
• House Members went home on summer recess Monday to face the wrath of voters at their town hall meetings. Their approval is all the way down to seven percent. Congress couldn't be any less popular right now if they took steroids and texted lewd pictures of themselves to a photo enlargement lab to hide the evidence, and then defected to Russia.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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