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Jewish World Review Aug 21, 2012 / 3 Elul, 5772 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The White House saw a new poll Friday showing two-thirds of Americans believe the country is going in the wrong direction. It's not all bad. Waiting for Joe Biden to say something really stupid every day has replaced baseball as America's National Pastime.
President Obama had lunch with Hillary Clinton at the White House Thursday in the wake of Joe Biden's damage to the ticket. It's that special time every four years when she's considered as the party's vice presidential nominee. Hillary celebrates it as Passover.
Joe Biden told a crowd Wednesday we're living in the twentieth century, just one day after he spoke in a black dialect to accuse the GOP of wanting to put blacks back in chains. Time marches on. Dan Quayle is now America's elder statesman of comedy vice-presidents.
Mitt Romney took the lead in polls after a week of personal attacks. The strategy backfired on the Democrats. They labeled Mitt Romney as a tax cheat, a slave-trader and a wife-murderer and it made him look like a man who's not afraid to make the tough decisions.
Charlie Sheen said Friday his recovery program includes several glasses of wine and a little pot every night. There's still hope for him. Thousands of people showed up in Memphis on Thursday to cheer when Elvis Presley celebrated thirty-five years of sobriety.
Taylor Swift bought a house at the Kennedy compound at Cape Cod Friday to be near a Kennedy she's dating. It has six bedrooms and six bathrooms. All the houses in the Kennedy compound are designed that way so they don't have to walk very far to cheat or throw up.
The White House disclosed Thursday that President Obama brews his own beer in the basement of the White House living quarters. The reporters weren't surprised in the least. It's an old Chicago tradition, just in case Prohibition comes back, to be prepared.
Kelsey Grammer came out on the Tonight Show and admitted he is a Republican last week. It's the cycle of life. When actors are ready to retire in Hollywood they admit they are Republicans and when actresses are ready to retire they have their implants removed.
Homeland Security official Suzy Barr went on leave after three men said she engaged in lewd behavior toward them at work. She's in charge of immigration enforcement. This proves that when employees have no work to do, office romances break out like hives.
The U.S. soccer team beat Mexico's soccer team in Mexico City Wednesday for the first time in seventy-five years. It's a good thing this happened in Mexico City and not Los Angeles. If this had happened where there are a lot of Mexicans, there might have been a riot.
The U.S. military sent surveillance blimps to patrol the Mexican border to stop illegal immigrants from entering U.S. territory. It's the last idea we have. We are this close to going back to the original foolproof system of having Comanche tribes patrol the border.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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