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Jewish World Review Aug 3, 2012 / 15 Menachem-Av, 5772 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Chick-fil-A was jam-packed Wednesday by people in support of the store's president, who opposes same-sex marriage. Sales were phenomenal. The next day GM told car buyers that a Chevy Volt can only be charged by inserting a male plug into a female socket.
Somali comedian Abdi Marshale was assassinated in Mogadishu Tuesday minutes after leaving a radio station. He was famous for making fun of al-Qaeda. Like Americans, nine-tenths of Somalis get their news from comedy monologues every night, and their censorship methods are still crude.
Snoop Dogg said Tuesday he's decided to change his name to Snoop Lion after he took a trip to Jamaica. He said he's become the reincarnation of Bob Marley after meeting his ghost there. It saves a lot of scientific study to determine which country grows the best pot.
Chicago meteorologists reported Tuesday that the heat wave raised the temperature of Lake Michigan to eighty-two degrees. It's the warmest ever. The fish say they aren't bothered by the hot water but they tell the tabloids that Jimmy Hoffa is starting to braise.
The Consumer Products Safety Commission said a thousand Americans were injured and hospitalized last year due to distracted walking. And they're all so shocked when they wake up in a hospital. They are supposed to get a text alert whenever a car is coming.
L.A. city employees were ordered to stop watching the Olympics live from London on their office computers on Tuesday. The high volume of computer traffic was overloading the networks. Other city employees were unable to go online for Internet shopping and porn.
India had a huge power outage Tuesday which cut power for six hundred million people. It brought business to a halt. The Hollywood producer who made A Day without Mexicans plans to make a movie about its effect on America and call it A Day without Telemarketing.
President Obama was ripped by black ministers in Washington D.C. who urged him to recant his support for gay marriage. He just shrugged it off. President Obama knows he doesn't need the black vote to stay in the White House, he can always play the coup card.
Mitt Romney's campaign released a phone app Tuesday that it will use to announce his VP pick. Is this wise? It could be a traffic hazard to send this information to people's phones because they're likely to go careening off the road when it turns out to be Palin again.
China's teenage Olympic swimmer Ye Shiwen won two gold medals with astonishing times Tuesday, prompting doping suspicions. The genetic manipulation is a mixed bag. The gills help her to move faster in the water but the penis slows her down.
The Olympic Games were hit with another insensitive tweet by an athlete Tuesday, this time it was a joke about gay platform divers and HIV. One athlete was sent home this week for tweeting a black joke and another sent home for a Korean joke. If it were not for political correctness, America's most decorated athlete would be Andrew Dice Clay.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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