Jewish World Review August 14, 2006 / 20 Menachem-Av, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Terry Bradshaw is set to star in his twelfth year on Fox NFL Sunday. He just appeared nude in the movie comedy Failure to Launch. He had no idea he would be giving Americans the courage to walk through airport security in compliance with the new rules.
The Transportation Security Administration on Thursday banned all liquids from being carried onto passenger planes. Pilots on America West had a new excuse for being drunk in the cockpit. They had to drink their aftershave before they boarded.
The airport baggage handlers' union said Friday new travel rules require more handlers. Applicants are plentiful. Now that computers, cellphones, cameras and iPods have to be checked, wide receiver isn't the only job open to men with sticky fingers.
The Dallas Cowboys said Wednesday Terrell Owens will be sidelined the entire pre-season. Since training camp began he's had only one full day of practice. One day of practice is just like one day of clean living, it doesn't do you any good.
The Max Planck Institute for Molecular Genetics in Germany said Tuesday it's invented a pill to combat stupidity. It was tested on mice. Already Mickey Mouse is demanding a percentage of the gate and Minnie Mouse wants a New York Senate seat.
Sir Paul McCartney froze his joint bank account with wife Heather Mills last week. You can't blame him for leaving her. She's a world-respected spokesman for animal rights and he'll never get into the House of Lords with that kind of baggage.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday. He insisted he's not against Jews personally, he just wants to destroy Israel. Even in the Mideast, each interview begins with the ritual of distancing oneself from Mel Gibson.
The Los Angeles Times on Friday printed bomb-making instructions on its front page. Products sold at any drug store can be used to make a bomb called the Mother of Satan. Luckily, the components aren't available because the meth labs suck up the whole supply.
The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled on Friday that random bag searches in the New York subways are legal. We take all our security cues from the Mother Country. After the London bombings we clamped down on subway bags, after Heathrow we restricted carry-on luggage, and after Princess Diana's death we started the Click It or Ticket campaign.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton