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Jewish World Review August 30, 2004 / 13 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Exorcist: The Beginning has topped the box office in yet another scary movie hit. Movie receipts show that Americans love to be frightened this year. John Kerry has been advised to stop getting collagen shots and go with the natural look.

John Kerry promised voters Friday to stop credit card companies from hitting people with extra high service fees. He's pretending he knows what it's like to have credit card debt, which is cute. John Kerry's aides can't count the number of times they've seen him try to purchase airline tickets with his Safeway Club card.

The USC Trojans began their season Saturday in Washington, D.C. It was the right place at the right time. The team is being investigated for sexual assault just as Teddy Kennedy is casting for contestants in a new reality show called The Nephew.

Bill Clinton signed books in Dublin Friday where he thanked the Irish people for always being there for him. Now it can be told how he dodged Republican attacks for eight years. He started every day with a great big bowl of Lucky Charms.

Bill and Hillary Clinton visited a peace center in Northern Ireland Friday. They were booed by the crowd when they left through the back door. Bill had planned a romantic trip to the Emerald Isle, then at the last minute Hillary decided to come.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones raved about rookie quarterback Drew Henson's abilities Thursday. Maybe it will work out better this time. The last time Jerry Jones decided on a fresh face he selected the worst plastic surgeon in North Dallas.

John Kerry last week sparred with the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth over his river combat. Those rivers remain dangerous today. Telling what really happened thirty-five years ago in South Vietnam only scratches the surface and makes it mad.

William Kennedy Smith was sued for sexual assault Tuesday by a woman who later became his girlfriend. It's amazing. Any guy who can sexually assault a woman and then talk her into going steady has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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