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Jewish World Review August 24, 2004 / 7 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Donald Trump said on Sunday he's set to open a new Donald Trump Country Club in Palos Verdes, California. It's in a gated community on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Creditors would pretty much have to re-enact the D-Day landing to snatch him.

Bill Clinton got big laughs in interviews on the Oprah Winfrey show Thursday and on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. He's got a natural gift for comedy. Bill Clinton once tried to be serious, but all he could get was construction work.

The Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratory announced a halt in classified work until missing nuclear materials and weapons components can be found. That's the way things have been going. Now we can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction.

Homeland Security apologized to Senator Teddy Kennedy Friday after he had been stopped and searched five times while flying between Boston and Washington. His name was on a no-fly list. What kind of security is this, do they want him to drive?

Bob Dole called for John Kerry to recant the anti-Vietnam War testimony he gave as a young man. The candidate likes to make the most of his war record. John Kerry was reminding voters in Charlotte Friday that he fought for the South against the North.

John Edwards elicited cheers when he addressed a Baptist church in Charlotte Sunday. He is positive and joyful by nature. It's the wrong attitude for a vice president, whose duties are limited to attending foreign funerals and starting wars.

John Kerry told voters Friday that President Bush doesn't understand average folks. Every week he gets more common. Next we will hear that John and Teresa drove through a car wash on their honeymoon because they couldn't afford to go to Niagara Falls.

John Kerry's legal team lost a member on Sunday after the Detroit lawyer was cited by police for picking up a hooker. Democrats should know better than to look down on prostitution. It's the only industry that isn't leaving the country.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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