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Jewish World Review July 26, 2021 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
North Korea's government announced plans Thursday to test-fire a giant rocket this weekend in preparation for a planned manned mission to the moon. The rocket is not the problem. The problem is, finding an astronaut who will go fly to the moon and then willingly return to North Korea.
• Coca-Cola says it will revamp Coke Zero to compete with the huge selection of soft drinks now in stores. A church friend has became so obsessed with a near-beer beverage she found at Trader Joe's, in the past week she's downed five six-packs of the stuff, I fear she's becoming a non-alcoholic.
• President Biden while speaking in Ohio Wednesday got into a verbal argument with an angry Steubenville business owner. Steubenville is the home of Dean Martin and Jimmy the Greek and Tracy Lords --- a drunk, a racist and a porn star. Can you just imagine the statue in their town square?
• The White House attempt to clamp down on gun rights is taking shape in Senate confirmation hearings. The nominee to head the ATF said he thinks gun owners should only bring out their firearms when zombies start to appear. This caused the Secret Service to triple its protection of Biden.
• White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki was forced to defend Hunter Biden's right to sell his artwork at top prices to anonymous buyers. The graft never ends with this guy. Hunter Biden's love child is only two years old and already she has a full-ride scholarship on the USC rowing team.
• Donald Trump called an Arizona Republican a RINO for disparaging Trump's recount effort in Maricopa County. He's a combative New Yorker to the core. Trump is that school bully who was so good at handing out cruel nicknames that nobody noticed he couldn't read and lived in a storage unit.
• House Republicans charged Tuesday that Critical Race theory immerses kids in Marxism. The games kids play will turn them into capitalists anyway. Musical chairs is a kids game that teaches school kids to seize what's theirs and beat up anyone who tries to take it away from them, set to music.
• The Miami Herald reported Friday that another high-rise condo building in Surfside, Florida, was ruled unsafe by inspectors. Nobody in Florida wants another high-rise apartment building to collapse. Maybe it's time to gently suggest to Floridians that they should start eating more sensibly.
• The White House was slammed by Republicans Wednesday for pressuring Facebook to censor doctors who post anti-vax information. My profession is next. Watch for a new law office TV ads stating if you have ever dated or been involved with a comedian, you may be entitled to compensation.
• Tom Brady joked at the White House that 40% of America still doesn't think Tampa Bay won and kidded Biden for having the same problem. His team won the big one despite the signal caller being old, past his prime and warned not to risk one more concussion. And so did Tom Brady's team. • Sports Illustrated broke the news on Wednesday that a third Olympic athlete slated to compete in the Summer Games in Tokyo has just tested positive for Covid in the Olympic Village. And now there's more bad news for the Games. New Zealand female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard has jock itch. • Jeff Bezos declared his space flight his best day ever despite every TV viewer noticing how his rocket going up looked like a Viagra ad the network refused to air. The very next day, thousands of women in Los Angeles ordered the Bezos model rocket. I had no idea they were interested in space. • Discovery Channel will air a series on the exotic and poisonous snakes in Southeast Asia. It so happens Lindsay Lohan was recently bit by a snake while she was vacationing in Thailand. Despite the best efforts by emergency medical technicians, the snake died of alcohol poisoning one hour later. • The White House floated the idea of government workers going door to door checking to see if you've been vaccinated. Volunteers are coming out of the woodwork to canvas neighborhoods. In Chicago, gang members are going door to door asking if you had your shot, and if not, they shoot you. • Tony Robbins released a series of online business seminars designed to inspire people to reach for the stars and persevere. He points out Coca-Cola only sold 25 bottles in their first year, but they kept going. So stick to your dreams and never give up and maybe someday you too can cause diabetes. • White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said the government is monitoring social media posts for vaccine information accuracy. The vaccine is harmless and everyone should be forced to take it no matter what rights the Constitution says you have. My name is Joe Biden and I approved this post. • President Biden completely took back his criticism last week that Facebook was killing people Monday. He has never retracted any statement he has made before. I don't know how Facebook got Joe to do it, but at corporate headquarters, every office now has an original painting by Hunter Biden. • President Biden repeated his assertion that white supremacy is the number-one terror threat to the United States this week. We're all still waiting for an exact definition of this enemy. President Biden urged Americans to wear a mask and get vaccinated to help stop the spread of white supremacy. • Los Angeles grocery stores quickly felt the impact of the new mask mandate on Sunday. Last year, when the first mandates kicked in, there was a run on toilet paper, this year it's Popsicles.That's because with each double Popsicle you finish eating you get thirty-five dollars worth of lumber. • Variety reports that the Spanish Film Festival will be held in Madrid in September. During the 1961 shooting of El Cid, the famous fortress of Valencia was filmed down the coast in the ancient town of Peniscola. The town is also famed for creating an unsuccessful rival brand to Coke and Pepsi.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
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© 2020, Argus Hamilton |
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