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Jewish World Review July 12, 2021 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
President Biden said Tuesday federal vaccination efforts will include going door to door to get people their Covid shot. Within weeks, you could answer the doorbell to see two people standing on your front porch asking you one question. Have you accepted Dr. Fauci as your Lord and Savior?
• Japan's government gave the green light for the Olympic Games in Tokyo next month. Japan has ruled no fans will be allowed to attend any of the Games in person. It's either a precaution against the spread of Covid or it's a noble Japanese gesture allowing women's basketball to save face.
• Japan hosting the Olympic Games next month will showcase their legendary social discipline. Back in 1965 a Japanese soldier was found on a remote Pacific island who'd stayed on guard for thirty years not knowing the war was over. And I'll bet I know who found him, American Express.
• Mattel Toys disclosed it'll develop a Polly Pocket movie with MGM to be written and directed by Lena Dunham. Polly is Mattel's hot new doll with young kids. Malibu Barbie this week turns fifty years old, her accessories include Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's bank account and Pool Boy Julio.
• England beat Denmark Thursday to reach the Euro Cup finals at Wembley Stadium today. In the euphoria after the win, a London man's date went unconscious with joy and he saved her life by giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I think this is known in legal circles as the Cosby defense.
• Colombian sex workers are offering a vacation package at a Caribbean island. It includes free cocaine, free alcohol and unlimited sex with hookers. Joe Biden may have no border policy, but Hunter Biden is inspiring vacation packages that could reverse the flow of immigration in California.
• Sheryl Crow said she was repeatedly sexually harassed by Michael Jackson's manager while opening on his tour in the Eighties. I recently saw a picture of Jackson doing blackface when he was a young man, and it made me really upset. I simply can't listen to his music in the same way now.
• Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he has filed a class-action lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter and Google for censoring and canceling him and other conservatives. Social media must also be censoring Democrats. Biden hasn't seen one post on social media saying what a great job he's doing.
• The White House may deploy government workers armed with vaccines to go door-to-door giving unvaccinated people the shot. It's doable. The only way they'll get some people to take it is if they have thumbtacks dipped in the Pfizer vaccine and they put them on your seat when you're not looking.
• President Biden enjoyed his trips to the Midwest last week where Joe could just be Joe. While in Michigan Biden, responding to a question from an ice cream store clerk, looked at his notes and said he's not sure if Russia is behind the cyber-hacking. The clerk had asked if he wanted a bag.
• The Pentagon agreed to a pullout from Afghanistan, conceding that we accomplished our goal a decade ago. The U.S. spent ten years and four trillion dollars using infantry, air cavalry, aerial surveillance, satellite photos and radar imagery until we finally found Osama bin Laden. In his home.
• The National Education Association Friday stood by its decision to teach Critical Race Theory to schoolchildren beginning in kindergarten. And the first thing the teachers teach kindergarteners is the magic word that they must say to get what they want from others. That word of course, is racist.
• NBC News says U-Haul charges five times more money to move people out of California than move in due to the demand to move out. I'm often asked why I moved to Hollywood. The day I graduated from OU, I threw a dart at a map of the United States on my wall and it landed in the trash. • National Institute of Health director Dr. Fauci was back on TV this past weekend issuing dire warnings about the dangers of the Delta variant and the Lambda variant. Yesterday I saw a guy vaccinating himself behind the bus station. Way to go, Los Angeles, together we can defeat Covid-19! • Google just tightened its company rules protecting women in the workplace. They say it's sex harassment if you stare at a female co-worker longer than five seconds. I think it's a great sign of social progress that women finally have the same rights as a sandwich you might drop on the floor. • Donald Trump filed a lawsuit against Google, Facebook and Twitter for canceling him and other Americans. They banned Trump for questioning the election. Recently more concerns about election integrity were raised when Joe Biden received eighty million votes for New York Mayor. • The White House reacted swiftly to the outbreak of shootings in big cities over Independence Day weekend. The Justice Department is re-thinking its opposition to capital punishment. The death penalty's still in effect, they're just replacing federal executions with bus tickets to Chicago. • President Biden flew to Chicago to meet with Mayor Lori Lightfoot about the gang shootings that are ripping apart the Windy City. The president's motorcade down Michigan Avenue was awe inspiring. Chicago schools teach that in America, every kid can grow up to ride in a bulletproof limo. • President Biden in Chicago Wednesday blamed the epidemic of gang shooting in big cities on automatic pistols and rifles gangs don't even use. It's odd to blame Chicago on lawful NRA gun owners. Gun violence would drop by ninety percent if Democrats would just stop shooting each other. • GOP Congressman and former White House doctor Ronny Jackson demanded that President Biden take a cognitive awareness test. The public isn't far behind. A poll released Monday says 56% of Americans don't think Joe Biden is all there, and 44% say that's what they love about the guy. • The CDC now warns the new Lambda variant could infect America in the wake of the Delta variant. It's little more than an annoyance anymore. Since most Americans no longer fear the virus, it's recommended that going to WalMart will help you build up your resistance to people. • WalMart gave me a sweet moment in line Tuesday when a girl buying diapers and baby food had her card turned down, and she began crying. An older man just behind her in line offered to pay it for her. A few minutes later his card was turned down and the woman had already left the store. • Men's Health ran an article urging Baby Boomer men to participate in new sports as often as possible to hone a sharp edge on our motor skills. After we won the game last night, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. I found out this is totally unacceptable in bowling. • The L.A. City Council faces demands from residents and business owners in Venice Beach to rid the streets and sidewalks of the homeless. Everyone's is trying to help. I just performed for a charity that takes winos off the street and releases them into their natural habitat up in Wine Country.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
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© 2020, Argus Hamilton |
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