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Jewish World Review July 7, 2021 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Los Angeles Fire Department crews spent the weekend conducting drills for the upcoming fire season. The Emergency Medical Technicians must operate under new federal guidelines. Before they administer CPR, they are instructed to open the victim's mouth and listen for any signs of racism.
• US News and World Report published an article complaining that cable and network TV news broadcasts are all partisan now with as much opinion as actual news. Even weather reports are politically slanted. Fox News reported the weather in DC is hotter than Hunter Biden's kitchen spoon.
• Kamala Harris discussed her crocheting hobby at a Washington DC crochet store Friday and said she's crocheted more Afghans than anybody could imagine. Surely that is a war crime under the Geneva Convention. It could be the reason we're having to withdraw our troops from Afghanistan.
• Independence Day celebrations were held across the nation Sunday from the National Mall in Washington to Santa Monica Pier in L.A. As for myself, I decided to celebrate an old-fashioned Fourth of July. I have a British neighbor and I seized her house and property and called her a tyrant.
• A Harvard study reveals Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn school children into political conservatives. Reaction was swift. The Teachers Union was horrified to learn that it only takes a fireworks show and a patriotic speech to undo two hundred-seventy days of public school education.
• The Detroit News reports Phil Mickelson was cheated out of five hundred thousand dollars by a local mafia gambling joint twenty years ago. He's often associated with huge wagers. I think a lot more problem gamblers would dial the Gamblers Hotline for help if every fourth call was a winner. • The University of California and Cal State system will no longer use a student's SAT test score as a criterion for admissions. They will probably replace the SAT with essay questions like this one. If we divide one hundred-seventy genders by white supremacy how much climate change do we have? • American Heritage reported Americans are more bitterly divided than any time since the Civil War. We're all born with different perspectives, that's no reason for revolution. An optimist sees the glass as half-full, a pessimist sees the glass as half-empty, and Bill Cosby sees the glass as unattended. • The National Association of Home Builders last week demanded re-opening of lumber trade with Canada as U.S. production can't meet U.S. home building demands. I hate to be silly about it, but here goes. Lumber is so expensive I've begun searching for a marketing agent for my morning wood. • High Times magazine reports that historians now believe that Christ employed marijuana to help him perform his miracles. If you support that possibility, I guess you can point to his likeness on every pack of Zig Zag papers. This would make Jesus the first Holy Roller. • Nancy Pelosi stood in front of the beloved statue of comedian Will Rogers in Statuary Hall in the U.S. Capitol and announced that the House passed a ban on all statues associated with the Confederacy. She was totally oblivious that Will was born Colonel William Penn Adair Rogers, named after his father's Confederate commander in Arkansas. It's the kind of joke Will would've told.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
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© 2020, Argus Hamilton |
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