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Jewish World Review July 29, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Melania Trump won a huge settlement from a Maryland blogger who said she once worked as a call girl. She was a famous fashion model. Hers is one of the few immigrant success stories in which Melania can tell you what it was like to live on celery and lettuce AFTER she came to America.
• Boris Johnson' ascendency to prime minister bodes well for the UK Special Relationship with the U.S. After two hundred and thirty years, we have a class system that rivals England's. Only in America do the rich and famous starve themselves to death and the poor weigh four hundred pounds.
• Jeffrey Epstein was found semi-conscious and lying on the floor of in his jail cell Wednesday morning. He bore tell-tale marks that let detectives know what likely happened. Nobody knows if Epstein is going to turn states' evidence, but he did stick his neck out for Bill Clinton.
• Congresswoman Ilhan Omar incited another controversy about her radical views when cable networks picked up what she told Al Jazeera. She's a piece of work. Omar said it's wrong to judge people by the color of their skin or their sex, then she warned everybody to beware of white men.
• CNN and MSNBC hosts licked their wounds after Robert Mueller's testimony failed to incriminate Trump. Many people on the left blamed Robert Mueller's poor performance in the hearings on global warming. Democrats had forecast thunder and lightning and they got fog.
• Robert Mueller's mental decline was apparent to all during his testimony Wednesday about the Mueller Report. Democrats knew they were in for a long day after the first question. Committee Chairman Adam Schiff asked Bob Mueller to state his name and Mueller asked what page is that on?
• President Trump declared victory after Robert Mueller's addled House testimony on Russian collusion. Democrats knew they were in trouble right away. After Adam Schiff welcomed him to the House Chamber, Mueller said he was there because he had been told there'd be pudding and Bingo.
• Robert Mueller during Wednesday's testimony said that he'd been appointed a U.S. attorney by President George H.W. Bush. Actually it was Reagan who appointed him. For two years Robert Mueller's been trying to nail somebody for lying under oath and it looks like he's finally got his man.
• Robert Mueller's House testimony fell flat before CNN viewers anxious to watch a fireworks show. CNN follows up on the Mueller nod-off with two nights of twenty Democratic presidential candidates debating. Ambien is threatening a lawsuit for taking away their market for sleeping pills.
• The Democratic candidates quickly weighed in after Mueller's testimony. Bernie Sanders said Mueller proved Trump committed obstruction of justice and Elizabeth Warren said Mueller showed how Trump colluded with Russia. Joe Biden challenged Mueller to a sit-up contest.
• Michael Moore issued a plea after Mueller's testimony urging Democrats to let impeachment go. He urged Dems to campaign on Democratic issues like health care, abortion rights and voting rights. Last year to protest Trump's adding a border wall, Moore went on a fifteen-minute hunger strike.
• Bernie Madoff asked President Trump for clemency from his one hundred fifty year prison sentence Thursday. Bernie paid off old investors with a circular flow of money from new investors and skimmed off the middle. It's a federal crime to impersonate the Social Security Administration.
• The Times of India reports that a meteor the size of a football crashed landed into a rice paddy in Eastern India, creating a three-foot-deep hole in the earth. There's no country that matches India for sheer excitement. India is the only place in the world where you can be killed by a tiger or a salad.
• India's space agency announced they have launched a space module that's scheduled to land on the surface of the moon in early September. In today's world, it's first things first. Once India successfully lands on the moon, they will move on to their next project, a working sewage system.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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