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Jewish World Review July 3, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The National Highway Transportation and Safety Board warned Fourth of July motorists that one-fourth of all car wrecks will be caused by drinking drivers this weekend. So here's how to stay safe. Watch out for drivers who aren't drinking, because they cause three-fourths of all the car wrecks.
• Harvard published a study revealing that Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn schoolchildren into conservatives. The study set off alarm bells. Teachers were horrified to discover that it only takes a patriotic speech and some fireworks to undo one hundred eighty days of public school education.
• TV Land pulled the Dukes of Hazzards reruns because the muscle car named General Lee had a Rebel flag painted on its roof. This is insane. Kentucky Fried Chicken has three days to produce a birth certificate to prove that Colonel Sanders was born too late to legally own his first restaurant staff.
• Greek voters decide Sunday whether Greece will remain in the EU and work out a debt payment plan or withdraw and ruin its credit. The crisis has shocked Americans. Who'd have thought that the country that invented the Philosophy Major would have trouble earning a living and paying its bills.
• Whitey Bulger wrote a letter to schoolkids from prison after they wrote asking for the mobster's advice on life. He wrote the kids back saying he'd lived a life of theft, graft and dishonesty. Today Whitey works in the laundry room and does a little outside consulting work for the Clinton Foundation.
• The University of Missouri at Kansas City hired Chelsea Clinton for sixty-five thousand dollars to speak at the opening of a women's hall of fame. While onstage, she was honest without being clever and she answered questions forthrightly without evasion. Everyone left feeling certain she was adopted.
• President Obama announced that the U.S. and Cuba will re-establish diplomatic relations in late July. The island boasts a long average life-span. Fidel Castro is recognized by the Guinness Book of Records for living fifty-six years longer than any man who ever seized a casino owned by Meyer Lansky.
• Brazil's president Dilma Rousseff was told by Obama she is no longer under NSA surveillance. She was a Marxist radical in the Seventies and involved in fire bombings. If Rousseff is NOT under NSA satellite surveillance, we have NASA if all we want are pretty pictures of the Earth from up there.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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