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Jewish World Review July 10, 2014 / 12 Tammuz, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Israel deployed its Iron Dome defense to shoot down the missiles Hamas fired at Tel Aviv Tuesday. The Israelis shot down all forty missiles. President Obama weighed in, asking Israel if they have anything that can shoot down the incoming questions about his immigration policy.
• The White House used Fort Sill, Oklahoma, to house illegal alien kids Tuesday. The fort is where Geronimo died in prison. His Comanches never allowed anyone to come north of the border and it looks like we're going to have to wait for a Republican president to pardon him.
• Vladimir Putin sent a message to the White House this week calling for more U.S.-Russian cooperation. This is the perfect time for Russians to make up with the U.S. Putin was watching the World Cup on Tuesday and he couldn't help but noticing that the Germans are singing again.
• Germany scored goal after goal, humiliating five-time champion Brazil in the World Cup Tuesday before a stunned home crowd in Rio de Janeiro. The rout was historic. The Germans ran off five goals against Brazil so quickly in the first half that at halftime, France surrendered.
• The Republican National Committee chose Cleveland as the site of the next GOP National Convention. The Republicans could use some help in that city. The reason so many people refuse to believe that Michael Jackson is dead is because he's still registered to vote in Cleveland.
• Air New Zealand is under fire from feminists for hiring supermodels in bikinis to deliver pre-recorded safety instructions on the video screen before flights. It could be worse. That's better than America West, which runs Animal House on a continuous loop in the pilot's lounge.
• ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi gave a fundraising sermon to a Mosul mosque Sunday that aired online. The tape shows al-Baghdadi wearing a Rolex watch while preaching for donations. He was ripped by the Association of TV evangelists for committing a rookie mistake.
• Washington state began the legalized sale of recreational marijuana Tuesday. The drug has its benefits and consequences. If every person in the world smoked a joint at the exact same time, we would have world peace for about two hours, followed by a global food shortage.
• The Minnesota Twins unveiled a new vending machine at their stadium which dispenses draft beer and allows you to select the brand and the size of beer up to forty-eight ounces. It fits the state's Nordic culture. No twelve-year-old in Minnesota likes to be told he's had enough.
• Hillary Clinton took her book tour to London Tuesday where she said the Clinton name didn't help her run against Obama six years ago. It raised a few eyebrows. Like a lot of women in Washington, Hillary's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing.
• Chicago reported eighty-two people were shot over the Fourth of July weekend. This year the number of homicides in Chicago is down but the number of shootings is way up. This is the kind of marksmanship that makes Al Capone tell his friends in hell he was the boss of Cleveland.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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