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Jewish World Review July 25, 2013 / 18 Menachem-Av, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted Tuesday that he's continued to lewd-text women while using the name Carlos Danger. He's already spent time in a famous treatment facility for people who battle chronic sex addiction. It's called Congress.
•Chicago golfer Orville Nero was putting away his golf clubs in his car at the Meadows Golf Club parking lot when he was murdered in a drive-by. Cops found three shell casings nearby. Only in Chicago can you shoot three holes-in-one without picking up your golf club.
•The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning Tuesday that menthol flavoring in cigarettes induces young people to start smoking. That's not good. Cigarettes are like squirrels, they are completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
•Milwaukee Brewers star Ryan Braun was suspended Monday for using steroids. He'd convinced everyone of his innocence until biological evidence from the lab uncovered his lies. He could be the first ballplayer ever inducted into the Clinton Presidential Library.
•The White House will recruit Hollywood to get young people to enroll in ObamaCare Friday. First a rap star tells young people the law requires them to buy health insurance. And then they will need another commercial to explain that breaking the law is a bad thing.
•Prince William and Kate displayed the Royal Baby to thousands of cheering Britons Tuesday. The royal couple took turns holding him and showing him off. They announced the baby is eight pounds, which would get any other couple arrested for human trafficking.
•St. Mary's Hospital in London revealed Tuesday that Duchess Kate was ten days past due when the baby was born. Even then it took some encouragement. The prince refused to come out until the doctors assured him that Detroit is no longer Britain's responsibility.
•Detroit became the largest city to file for bankruptcy in U.S. history Friday. The city's filing for protection went smoothly. The bankruptcy was approved after the judge told Detroit to sit in a room for a few minutes while the judge went to talk to his manager .
•Iowa's GOP Congressman Steve King ripped young illegal aliens in the House debate on illegal immigration Tuesday. He charged that many of young illegals are drug mules. They're probably hoping to get anchor-baby status now that the pot they transport is legal.
•Jesse Ventura sued Chris Kyle's widow over comments the late U.S. Army sniper made about him in his book American Sniper. We owe the former Minnesota governor a lot. Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling
•Senate Republicans weighed a plan Tuesday to refuse any funding for implementing ObamaCare when it becomes law this fall. You can't make it up. ObamaCare turned out to be so costly and so unenforceable it's got Americans open to the idea of DarwinCare.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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