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Jewish World Review July 16, 2013 / 9 Menachem-Av, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• USA Today published a Census Bureau report saying the U.S. birth rate hit an all-time low last year. Those two-way ultrasounds were a real mistake. The U.S. pregnancy rate was the same as it always was, but the kids saw the national debt and they won't come out.
• A Saudi princess living in Orange County was charged with human trafficking Friday in California. She'd moved here from Riyadh along with a Kenyan woman identified as her slave. It shocked many Americans, who normally think of California as a Western state.
• George Zimmerman was found not guilty by a jury on Saturday. It was going to be violent either way. The not guilty verdict provoked riots but a guilty verdict would have meant a sentence of five to ten years in the National Football League.
• New England Patriots player Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for drunk driving Friday. That's more like it. The Patriots vowed to work on team character after Aaron Hernandez was charged with a shooting murder, and drunk driving is definitely a step in the right direction. •New York hosts the Major League Baseball All-Star game tonight at Citi Field. They'll spotlight local candidates. Eliot Spitzer will be on hand to throw out the first wedding vow and Anthony Weiner will be ejected from the stadium when he texts a photo of his hot dog.
•Eliot Spitzer turned in enough signatures to place him on the ballot for NY Comptroller Friday. His slogan was forced on him. When you've been caught paying four thousand dollars to a call girl, what can you say except nothing's too good for the people of New York.
•Coloradans expressed fury when lawmakers proposed a thirty-five percent sales tax on pot sales. It's amazing. Democrats worked so hard to turn Colorado into a blue state, and in less time than it takes you to roll a joint it's going to be more Republican than Texas.
•Bluewater Productions signed Paula Deen to become a comic book hero as a super chef. She does what Superman couldn't do in seventy-five years. With a chicken fried steak in cream gravy, buttered biscuits and black bottom pie a la mode, she kills Lex Luthor.
•Las Vegas enjoyed a big Elvis Presley impersonators convention last weekend called Elvis fest. They drew tens of thousands of Elvis fans. To keep the hookers from losing business, the casinos had to comp the Cialis prescriptions for anyone playing the machines.
•Barack Obama's job approval rating fell to forty-four percent on Friday. He'll bounce back. To get Obama's numbers back up the White House has decided to play down the fact that he killed Osama bin Laden and play up the fact that he brought back Hostess Twinkies.
•Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano announced Friday she'll resign her post in September. She's literally a force of nature. Last year the updraft from all the Mexicans she's allowed into this country collided with the downdraft from all the Mexicans she's deported from this country and created sandstorms that blotted out the sun over Phoenix.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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