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The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
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Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology
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The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious
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Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time
Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic
Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships
Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin
Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate
Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure
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Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden
Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does
Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer
Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You
April 9, 2014
Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?
Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau
Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau
Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease
April 8, 2014
Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease
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April 4, 2014
Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children
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Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?
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Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene
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Jewish World Review
Buy my %*&^ing book!
By
Celia Rivenbark
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Lately I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how a book becomes a bestseller. In the past 11 years, I've had six books published. But this morning, between the fourth and fifth load of laundry and, again, while cleaning the litter boxes, I had to wonder what it's going to take to finally get a spot on the "New York Times Bestseller List." And then it came to me …
A nasty word in the title.
How else can you explain the gazillion-selling titles that have cropped up just in the recent past: "**** My Dad Says," by Justin Halpern; "(******* Finish First" by Tucker Max; and the brand new No. 1 bestseller, "Go the **** to Sleep," Adam Mansbach's fabulously profane parody of the homespun treacle that is "Goodnight Moon."
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So I'm taking suggestions for a title for Book 7, which will be a lighthearted look at etiquette. Take your time. I'll wait.
One thing seems obvious: The worse the swear word, the greater the chance that the book will be a million-seller. There's a word I have in mind but I can't say it in a family newspaper. Or even out loud.
I'm no prude, mind you. In fact, my friends probably consider me the foulest-mouthed churchgoer they've ever known. What can I tell you? I'm a ******* enigma.
But this word? Nah, I can't go there. Not even for the mega-sales that it would surely guarantee.
So, it's doubtful that, "That's Not the Salad Fork, You Stupid ****" will ever be published.
Pity.
A snappy title is crucial to book sales. Which is why I've worked really hard, sometimes upwards of 10 or 15 minutes, to come up with a title for each of my books.
People sometimes ask me if I do my own titles, which is kinda strange.
It's like asking if you clean your own ears.
My latest book, "You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl," probably could use a nasty-word boost but it's too late now.
I have high hopes for the future of "Fat Girl" as I have had for all of my "babies," but I know now that the title is probably too tame to generate the mega-million sales I crave. The closest I've come to a naughty title was 2006's "Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like a Skank."
The one thing I never expected, and it happened many times, was that I would go to a bookstore, do a reading and more than a few folks in the audience would say, "But what's a skank?"
Something tells me Tucker Max has a different demo. But then, he really is an *******. I'm just pretending to be one.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here.
Shellacked in a foreign language
College degree can be had in 3 days
She'll take names, and then call them losers
I beg of you, spare the Children
Release the hoards
Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill
Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons
She'll have another shot of mugs
Polygamy may only get one season
A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching
Not cancer, still a big fat pain
A text is worth 1,000 words
Ready for some laughs again
Now men don't have to work out either
Hormones rule home of Princess and mom
Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen
Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps
Science fair spurs on hyper parents
Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines
Nightmare in the mall's dead zone
America: Cut out the need to be cute
Taking a page from a Mad mother
She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch
Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer
Florida can keep its snakes
She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess
Southern fish experiencing identity crises
Monkey baby big business for the small-minded
All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin
Thunder thighs finally get revenge
Where would I be without the digested read?
Butter buds: Julia and Celia
Facebook is for old people, too, missy
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing
Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels
Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend
Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious
If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I?
Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors
Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old
Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends
Big family, big ratings, big mess
Fred Mertz for vice president
Women and tools are like grease, water
Runners are a different breed of folk altogether
Don't get all bento out of shape
For you, Princess? I'll buy junk
Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check
Reality show amuses yet repels viewer
Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling
Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so
Honesty in the name of fashion
Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers
Trendy new ailment not for everybody
What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook?
Shagadelic on the dance floor
Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing
Little wonder many voters are confused
Sound bites not easy in Southern
I swear it's not my fault
Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else
Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em
Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby
Driving under the influence of celebrity
Hugged your Webkinz today?
Hate mail spawned by humor columns
High School Musical rocks to the max!
Where did latest syndrome come from?
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Office gossip is protected free speech
First-class corpse
Song lyrics have only gotten dumber
Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care
Being a happy human vessel has its limits
Who's not your daddy?
Phoning for dazzlers
Proper spelling begins at home
Sick of the waiting room
Road signs
Halt your motion toward the lotion
Sudoku's got my husband's number
One short stack of smarts, please
Spa me the kids
IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation
Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
Welcome back for guilt-free manly man
A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome
Ageless icons can't escape their ages
Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy
Kid bumper stickers sure not terrific
© 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services
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