Jewish World Review July 20, 2009 / 28 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took his wife Jenny on vacation Friday to try to make up. She gave him another chance after he confessed to adultery. She tried to trade him in under the new cash-for-clunkers program but they only take cars.
French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced a tribunal he accidently ingested cocaine when he kissed a girl in a Miami nightclub. He said she had cocaine in her mouth when he kissed her. Only a Frenchman could open that Ziploc bag with his tongue.
President Obama backed off his August deadline for health care reform passage Friday after Southern Democrats in the House and Senate balked over how to pay the trillion dollar price tag. They know something about laying off costs on future generations. Their grandparents left each one of them a trunkful of Confederate bonds.
Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be unhappy over the way the White House is reining her in. She feels her opinions as Secretary of State are being ignored. She's used to being locked out of the Oval Office but not for more than an hour at a time.
The Pentagon assured U.S. soldiers Wednesday that it won't ban smoking in war zones. Nicotine withdrawal is the most agonzing experience known to man. The only thing that could make it worse is if you are holding a machine gun while you're going through it.
San Diego's beaches were awash with dead giant squid Friday which washed up on Pacific Beach. They attacked local divers and were immediately sorry. The next day homeless shelters in San Diego featured a soup line, a bread line and a calamari line.
McDonald's marked the thirtieth annniversary of the Happy Meal Friday when the chain began giving out toys with every kid's meal. So that's it. We might not need universal health care today if broccoli came with a free toy and french fries didn't.
The Centers for Disease Control said Friday American obesity varies by race. Thirty percent of Hispanics are obese, thirty-six percent of blacks are obese, and twenty-four percent of whites are obese. The obvious explanation is that beans are cooked in lard, greens are cooked in bacon grease, and Scotch contains zero grams of trans fat.
L.A. cops said they're probing Michael Jackson's death as a crime. He was taking hospital anesthesia through an IV drip in his rented Bel-Air home. He had to look in the white pages under von Frankenstein to find a castle with a working operating room.
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton