Jewish World Review July 29, 2005 / 22 Tamuz, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Jerry Lewis, it was announced Wednesday, will be given an
Emmy Award in September for his charity work. His facial puffiness
is much reduced. Last year all his box office records were
returned to Roger Maris after he admitted being on steroids.
Lance Armstrong said Monday in Paris he's considering
running for office. No one knows his party affiliation. He's got
incredible discipline so he might be a Republican, but throughout
his career he's been suspected of cheating so he might be a Democrat.
John Kerry's brother Cameron Kerry said Tuesday he wants to
run for Secretary of State in Massachusetts. He's a lawyer in
Boston. Imagine if he goes further in politics, John Kerry could
have a future as the embarrassing brother of the president.
Senator Bill Frist begged Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter
Wednesday to hold the John Roberts confirmation hearings as
quickly as possible in August. It doesn't matter. If confirmation
hearings were on one channel and watching paint dry was on the
other channel, Americans would watch the paint, even if it came in fuzzy.
Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa asked residents on
Wednesday to reduce traffic by using public transportation. Al-
Qaeda won't attack public transit in Los Angeles. The terrorists
would never leave our strippers for seventy-two virgins.
The New York Post said Tuesday that Osama bin Laden was
plotting to buy tons of cocaine so he could poison it and sell it
to Americans. He's got to be kidding. Within a week the poison
would be the hottest party drug on the New York club scene.
Hillary Clinton's Senate aides were reported Wednesday to be
drawing a second salary from her campaign committee. Her office
said she's complying with all Senate ethics guidelines. At the end
of the movie The Sting, there's a screen credit that says no
Senate ethics guidelines were violated in the screenplay of this movie.
O.J. Simpson was ordered by a judge Tuesday to pay DirecTV
for pirating. It had to happen. Once you've gotten away with
double murder it's a rapid downhill slide to stealing satellite
television signals and eventually breaking the Sabbath.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton