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Jewish World Review July 27, 2004 /9 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Bill Clinton headlined the Democratic Convention Monday and the Kennedy Boys are honored tomorrow. No wonder the networks didn't want to air this convention. Under the Defense of Decency Act, they could be forced to give Pat Boone equal time.

Glen Campbell apologized Friday for his arrest last winter for extreme drunk driving in Phoenix. He told the police he wasn't drunk, he was just overserved. Even in an alcoholic blackout Glen Campbell can't help but write great country songs.

The Dallas Cowboys begin training camp Friday at Oxnard. The coastal town is near Los Angeles. It's a perfect place for the receivers to run the out-and-up, the cornerbacks to practice the bump-and-run, and the team owner to execute the nip-and-tuck.

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France in Paris on Sunday. The race was easy to follow this year. The bicyclists went through six different stages in twenty-two days, exactly paralleling Courtney Love's probation report for the month of July.

Ralph Nader arrived for the Democratic Convention Friday but he was refused press credentials to get into the hall. Four years ago, he cost the Democrats the White House and might do it again. Only Bill Buckner has fewer friends in Boston this week.

Teresa Heinz Kerry told a Pittsburgh newspaper editor to shove it after the newsman asked her a question following a speech she gave in Boston Sunday. Her speech was about restoring a more civil tone to American politics. She's against it.

John Kerry told Iowans Saturday he wants to walk the trail blazed by Lewis and Clark. The nation owes Iowa a big thank-you. If Iowans had turned out for Howard Dean last January, we may all have been walking the trail blazed by Martin and Lewis.

Arlington police questioned the wrong pilot after a small plane violated the no-fly zone over President Bush's ranch Saturday. The pilot they meant to detain drove away unnoticed. Only under the protection of Homeland Security could a United States president have been dive-bombed while he was reading the 9/11 report.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Iraqi resistance in the Sunni triangle resembles America's Indian Wars over a century ago. There's no sign of surrender. In Tikrit, the sign on the wall at the Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouse reads, Uzi Does It.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton