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Jewish World Review July 26, 2004 /8 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream co-founder Ben Cohen is touring the country ridiculing President Bush as a liar. The conspiracy is suddenly clear. One look at Michael Moore and you know he wouldn't risk his career for anything short of free ice cream.

John Edwards was slammed by Republicans Saturday for the millions he made as a trial lawyer. No one denies it's lucrative work. The three richest men in show business are Steven Spielberg, Roy Disney and Wiley Coyote's personal injury attorney.

Playboy released a video game that lets you play Hugh Hefner in the Playboy Mansion. In this game, the more money you make, the more stars you meet and the more women you get. It's a principle better known in Los Angeles as the Golden Rule.

The September 11th Commission report presented ideas to make the U.S. Capitol safer. Here's one. To reduce future casualties they should paint a stripe down the middle of the hall of every government building in Washington so the bureaucrats arriving late for work don't collide with the bureaucrats leaving early.

The September 11th Commission handed the report on terror threats to Congress on Thursday. Congress responded by going on a six-week planned recess. There's no national emergency that will ever be urgent enough to cancel a month of fundraisers.

Planet Hollywood bought the Aladdin Hotel Thursday and rehired Linda Ronstadt. She will perform there with Michael Moore during the GOP Convention. Al-Qaeda heard the news and pulled their people out of the United States, saying our work is done here.

Democrats gathered in Boston Friday for this week's four-day convention. They plan to highlight Democrat traditions and history. The party's roots go back to Tory economic philosophy, which holds that a rising tide lifts Ted Kennedy's Pontiac.

Bill Clinton said he accepts the findings of the September 11th Commission released in Washington Thursday. He was in fine form throughout a cheerful early morning press briefing. Bill Clinton seldom wakes up grumpy, he generally lets her sleep in.

Greece asked NATO Thursday for a presence in Athens in case the Olympics are attacked by al-Qaeda. Everyone's skills can be utilized. The U.S. will provide the armor, Britain the air cover, Germany the street patrol, and France the evacuation.

The West Nile Virus made a deadly appearance in Southern California Thursday, causing many to stay indoors. It's a fluke that it was diagnosed. Any disease that inflicts listlessness and brain damage could go undetected for years in Los Angeles.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton