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Jewish World Review July 21, 2004 /3 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Linda Ronstadt was fired by the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a ballad to Michael Moore Saturday night. It's so sad. Hardly a day goes by that SlimFast doesn't cross another name off the list of possible replacements for Whoopi Goldberg.

Elton John said Saturday singers fear if they speak out against the war they will never work again. It must be true. Before the interview, Elton John called his accountant and made sure he could live off the interest for the rest of his life.

Martha Stewart said Monday she would accept a presidential pardon. Only four things are necessary for that to happen. President Bush must drop Dick Cheney from the ticket, name Bill Clinton to replace him, get re-elected, and then die.

Bill Clinton flew to Denver for book signings Tuesday, then he flew to Atlanta last night, then tomorrow he flies to Florida, spending much of the week going through airport security. All week long government employees have been frisking him. That's a switch.

The New Yorker revealed the U.S. Army pays for breast implants and liposuction and nose jobs for women who enlist. College expenses are also covered. Now every woman in America can know what it's like to graduate from Beverly Hills High School.

Whistling Straits Country Club in Wisconsin will host the PGA Tournament next month. Security will be insane. If al-Qaeda wants to disrupt the GOP Convention by staging gay weddings they couldn't pick a better dateline than Whistling Straits.

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