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Jewish World Review July 19, 2004 / 1 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Whoopi Goldberg was fired by SlimFast for telling a filthy joke on President Bush last week at Radio City Music Hall. The audience gasped. Martha Stewart isn't even in prison yet and already the level of taste in America is sinking like a stone.

The White House announced Friday that Jenna Bush will teach school in Harlem this fall. It's another intelligence failure. How could Homeland Security allow the president's daughter to get a job within walking distance of Bill Clinton's office?

Hillary Clinton was asked to introduce Bill at the Democratic Convention next week. They're both successful politicians, they're both best-selling authors and they both have Secret Service protection. You'd think they would get along better.

Hillary Clinton was asked Friday to introduce Bill Clinton at the Democratic Convention in Boston. It should be great television. Paramedics will be standing by with defibrillators in case it kills her to say something nice about her husband.

John Kerry relaxed in Nantucket Sunday at one of the Heinz estates. It's his second wife's first husband's seaside mansion. This is the only household where the real estate has been in the family longer than the family's been in the family.

The BCS announced a new formula to choose the top two college football teams to play in the annual championship game on ABC. It takes no chances. The computer allows for wins, losses, margins of victory and the coaches poll, and then the advertisers pick USC and Oklahoma.

Southern California became an inferno of wildfires Thursday as eleven Western states began burning. The flames were fanned by triple-digit temperatures and dry winds. It was so hot in Los Angeles that Kobe Bryant was sticking to the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant signed a seven-year contract Thursday to play with the Los Angeles Lakers for a hundred forty million dollars. He's comfortable here. What Kobe Bryant did to that girl in Colorado is not a crime in Hollywood, it's a screen test.

John Edwards flunked a quiz on the Don Imus show Thursday when asked for the price of milk and beer. The candidate stayed on message. He said his father once milked cows for a living just so he could put beer on the family dinner table every night.

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