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Jewish World Review July 14, 2003 / 14 Tamuz, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Los Angeles Lakers signed Karl Malone for the league minimum salary last week. Everyone's excited. With an accused rapist joined by an underpaid mailman, Los Angeles is just a Heisman trophy away from hosting the next Trial of the Century.

Wal-Mart opened its first store in Beijing Friday. Under communism there was only one store where everyone had to shop. Under free enterprise, it takes five or six years for Wal-Mart to drive everyone out of business and achieve that status.

CIA Director George Tenet took the blame Friday for inaccurate intelligence on Iraq in the president's State of the Union. It's no surprise. Somebody had to take the fall and it might as well be an Arab-American appointed by Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton spoke at the Progressive Governance Conference in London Friday night. They had a lavish banquet. The dessert was described as an ensemble of exotic fruits, which even in London enjoys the full protection of the U.S. Supreme Court.

The Transportation Security Agency said Friday that passengers will no longer be required to take off their shoes at airports. It's no secret why. Now that the scanners can see completely through clothes, no one wants to look at your feet.

Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James signed the richest Nike contract in history on Friday. This kind of money requires street credibility. Maybe that's why Kobe Bryant's defense attorney just got a twenty million dollar shoe deal with Cole Haan.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger wouldn't commit Friday to a run for California governor. He's led an interesting life. For him a death-defying adventure isn't Terminator 3, it is knowing that Democrats dug up less dirt when they built the San Diego Freeway.

Monty Hall was inducted into the Order of Manitoba by fellow Canadians and he endorsed Joe Lieberman. How insane is this? Marijuana isn't legal in Canada for two days and already they think Joe Lieberman has a chance to be elected president.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton