Jewish World Review July 18, 2002 / 9 Menachem-Av, 5762

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Consumer Reports

At the movies with your friendly neighborhood curmudgeon | THE SCORPION KING was a kind of spinoff of, and prequel to THE MUMMY; ATTACK OF THE CLONES is a prequel to STAR WARS; UNDERCOVER BROTHER was based on an online comic; SCOOBY DOO is based on a defunct Hanna Barbera cartoon; SPIDER MAN on a Marvel Comics character; MEN IN BLACK 2 is a follow up to MEN IN BLACK, also a comic; and STUART LITTLE 2 has the dapper little mouse taking on the drug cartel that murdered his family. This time it's for keeps.

And this fall there's THE FIST AND THE FLATULENT, with Vin Diesel as the Rock, and HARRY POTTER CHAINSAW MASSACRE with the CAT IN THE HAT as THE HULK.

The Coen Brothers are re-doing THE MALTESE FALCON as a musical, and Akira Kurosawa's classic THE SEVEN SAMURAI will be OCEAN'S ELEVEN TWO MINUS FOUR, with the Ninja Turtles, plus Huey Duey and Louie making a comeback as they fight for their lives with the Scorpion Prince of Las Vegas, Rupert Everett.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will try once again with CREAKY TERMINATOR, about a lovable robot in quest of an oil can and a heart, in the post-apocalyptic wasteland the world knows as Oz.

Peter Pan goes to Jurassic Park in TINKERBELL'S REVENGE!

And Mike Myers IS Michael Meyers in HALLOWEEN NIGHT LIVE, in which your favorite Saturday Night Live stars get murdered in a horrible fashion, with Britney Spears as Raquel Welch.

Ben Affleck plays Matt Damon in FREDDIE PRINZE JR: WHAT HAPPENED, with the Rock as Buffy.

Hannibal Lecter returns in BY BY BIRDIE IN SPACE, featuring a cloned Elvis as Conrad Birdie, and Disney is remaking the LOVE BUG for an adult audience, THE SATAN BUG, about an electric car possessed by the spirit of an undead Egyptian Queen, voiced by Minnie Driver.

A sequel to SPIRIT is in the works, HORSEY IN THE WATER, voiced once again by Harvey Keitel, and Quentin Tarrantino is tackling GONE WITH THE WIND. Johnny Depp is back at it with STREET CRED, about an edgy quirky insomniac who solves murders backwards while being stalked by Robin Williams as the Scary Clown.

And don't miss THE SECULAR MYSTERY OF YO YO MAMA with Ice Cube as a streetwise cop who learns to care too much. With Denzel Washington as Ice T.

All in all, it's going to be a sterling year to shell out fifty dollars for tickets, popcorn, parking, and that medium soft drink you covet so much.

Me, I'm saving up for HELL IN A HANDCART, with Casey Affleck, Casey Damon, Damon Affleck, and tired old Harrison Ford as the Kick Butt President. It's a buddy picture. And it's a great time to be alive.

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JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.


07/12/02: King of Kitsch
07/09/02: Musicians' brains
07/01/02: Where's my cow?
06/24/02: Modern record stores can be a scary proposition
06/21/02: Life IS a movie?
06/19/02: Spreading fertilizer on a dictionary to try to raise a novel
06/17/02: Happy cows are really miserable?
06/12/02: Very similar to a rock
06/05/02: Of Humice and Men
05/30/02: Pooches in sharkskin suits and the end of dog tags
05/22/02: We baby boomers used to rule the roost
05/20/02: The Files now Ex
05/14/02: Entangled in Spider-Man's web!?
05/02/02: April Showers May Come Our Yadda Yadda
04/24/02: From child murderer to milk hawker
04/10/02: New realities
03/21/02: You did it your way? I have to kill you now!
03/12/02: Life in the warehouse
01/28/02: Shoes and food
01/24/02: Suspension of disbelief has nothing to do with whether we accept something as real or not
01/22/02: Save the Grand Ole Opry?
12/15/01: If you truly want to appeal to the lowest common denominator
12/11/01: KNITTING!
12/07/01: Conspiracy by the 'fat suit' lobby?
12/04/01: The future of comic books
11/15/01: Literary tips in a jar
11/12/01: The ectoplasm of a ghost economy
11/05/01: Sumner Redstone's passions
10/31/01: My irony
10/29/01: Even in wartime, America can still bring it home
10/25/01: Ad memories
10/17/01: Pathetic me
10/08/01: War time lite
10/01/01: Confessions of a sarcastic scribe
09/11/01: The end of Mom
09/07/01: Boy Loses Girl, Boy Bites Girl, Boy Gets Girl
09/05/01: Virtual elegance?
08/28/01: Buzz!
08/23/01: Radio workout
08/20/01: I robot, you Jane
08/15/01: A wild and crazy world!
08/10/01: When the future was "as real as a dime"
08/08/01: Garage Dearth!
08/06/01: That Big Clock
08/02/01: Stop the pop!
07/31/01: Catchphrase history of the world
07/26/01: The Bride of Science
07/23/01: That java jive
07/17/01: Homogenized hegemony
07/13/01: Applying Newton's First Law of Physics to textbooks
07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2001, Ian Shoales