• Congress went into bipartisan repair mode following a crazed gunman's firing at Republican lawmakers at baseball practice. Both parties reacted characteristically. Speaker Ryan asked for an end to the hateful political rhetoric and Nancy Pelosi demanded that baseball be banned.
• The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published a study finding that eating French fries can lead to an early death. French fries were not invented in France. They were actually invented in America, but we named them after the French because after you eat them, you feel fat and defeated.
• The New York Times reported Special Counsel Bob Mueller is probing Trump for obstruction of justice. It didn't say how you cover up a crime that never occurred. If the U.S. government vetted Middle East refugees as closely as the media vets Trump this country would be safer than Switzerland.
• Time Warner defended sponsoring New York's Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar in which Trump is depicted as the dictator assassinated by mass stabbing in the Roman senate. It's just the start. Hollywood called and they have a role for Trump in the next Zapruder film.
• The House Democrats beat the House Republicans in the annual Congressional baseball game under the halo of new-pledged bipartisan cooperation. No one believes it will last. Washington is like Hollywood in that a clear conscience is generally seen as an early sign of Alzheimer's or puberty.
• Congress is debating a bill to allow states to decide the legalization of marijuana and remove the federal ban. They'll never be able to mesh the bill with all the different state laws. If the cops catch you with a bag of weed in California, the weed's legal but the plastic baggie will land you in jail.
• President Trump celebrated his seventy-first birthday at the White House with his family. He gushed about it to reporters. Trump said there were five hundred thousand candles on his birthday cake, and that's the most candles ever to attend a birthday party in presidential history.
• NBA legend Dennis Rodman arrived in North Korea for a round of basketball diplomacy with his good buddy, the country's dictator Kim Jung Un. Rodman's arrival is a message from the U.S. military. As a first warning to North Korea, we are sending in a drone strike with a dummy warhead.
• Dennis Rodman was accompanied in North Korea by reporters from every nation. They have a stake in his success. You know the world has gone nuts when Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump are set to start a nuclear war, and Dennis Rodman is the only one who can talk some sense into them.
• Dennis Rodman was given a hero's welcome to North Korea by his close friend Kim Jung Un in Pyongyang. They haven't seen each other in three years. Dennis and Kim spent their first hour together in North Korea comparing the medications they've been prescribed and are not taking.
• Defense Secretary Jim Mattis labeled North Korea a clear and present danger to the U.S. Only Dennis Rodman, it appears, can stop a nuclear war. A spokesman for the Mayan tribe in Mexico pointed out to reporters Thursday that its ancient calendar only missed the Apocalypse by three years.
• Secretary Defense James Mattis issued a warning Monday, calling North Korea's dictator Kim Jung Un a clear and present nuclear danger both to the United States as well as to the world. In response, President Trump just sent a biological weapon to North Korea. It's called Dennis Rodman.
• NBA legend Dennis Rodman landed in North Korea for basketball diplomacy with his pal Kim Jung Un. It's his first visit in three years. It harkens back to a simpler and more innocent time when Dennis Rodman going to North Korea was the weirdest thing you could imagine in American politics.
• The National Football League online store released statistics showing that Colin Kaepernick's jersey is among the top selling jerseys in the U.S. The unsigned QB may catch on with a team in the CFL. Canadians don't kneel during their national anthem unless they drop their bottle opener.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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