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Jewish World Review June 11, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes going away on Saturday and became the first Triple Crown winner in thirty-seven years. The thoroughbred is now a media sensation. American Pharoah will pose on the cover of next month's issue of Vanity Fair to announce that his new name is Cleopatra.
• President Obama wrapped up his trip to the Group of Seven summit in Germany Monday saying that the U.S. has no strategy to defeat ISIS. He'd just had a nice talk with the Germans about it. It gave the president confidence the United States could lose the war and still lead the world in auto sales.
• The New York Times cited Marco Rubio and his wife for receiving seventeen speeding tickets in Florida over the years. Seventeen speeding tickets could become a national campaign issue. Marco Rubio could be the first person ever elected president solely because the president is not allowed to drive.
• The TSA found Monday that it has seventy airport security guards on the terrorist watch list. The TSA also missed ninety percent of weapons in an airport test. However, the terrorists working as TSA guards have seized enough shampoo at the checkpoints to give them the cleanest hair in the Caliphate.
• Rhode Island's Lincoln Chafee couldn't announce his presidential candidacy on Facebook last week because he forgot his Facebook password. That's my president. Imagine going to war with China and having to call the Chinese hackers for our nuclear launch codes because they had slipped his mind.
• The White House press briefing was evacuated Tuesday after an anonymous caller phoned in a bomb threat to the briefing room, causing reporters to flee. The Oval Office is fifteen feet from the briefing room but the president went nowhere. It's the kind of clue that Lt. Colombo never used to miss.
• The Senate held hearings on the TSA airport security problems Tuesday. They're hiring men on the terror watch list and TSA agents can't find any weapons in checkpoint tests. America's last line of defense against terrorism could be group photos of seventy-two elderly nuns above the x-ray machines.
• The House Intelligence Committee held hearings Friday on China's hacking into U.S. computer systems. They learned how the Chinese steal data from U.S. citizens, U.S. corporations and U.S. media companies so they can blackmail them. Congress loves attending these continuing education seminars.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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