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Jewish World Review June 2, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The Justice Department arrested FIFA soccer officials Wednesday for corruption and bribery spanning two decades. They were at a FIFA conference in Zurich, Switzerland. Swiss police confirm that when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves to the ground and pretended to be injured.
• Texas Governor Greg Abbott agreed to allow FEMA to come to Texas Thursday to help the flood search-and-rescue efforts. Just last week Texas nearly drowned and the governor changed his mind about taking federal aid. It looks like Dick Cheney was right about the effectiveness of water-boarding.
• President Obama's job approval fell last week despite a productive month of May. He okayed an oil rig off Alaska, he pushed a free-trade bill through the Senate and he saved Texas from drowning. Apparently, Barack Obama thinks he can serve two more terms as president if he runs as a Republican.
• Budweiser suspended brewing beer in Georgia Friday to fill up specially-labeled twelve-ounce cans with water and then shipped the cans to flood victims in Texas and Oklahoma. There's no chance of a recovering alcoholic accidentally drinking any alcohol. Each can of water is clearly labeled Coors.
• Maryland's Martin O'Malley announced Friday he will be running for the Democratic nomination for president and he boasts excellent presidential credentials. After all, he's the former mayor of Baltimore. That is the one job in America which gives you the most training for keeping a lid on Iraq.
• The Scripps National Spelling Bee welcomed competing kids from all fifty states and all over the world last weekend in a hotel ballroom in Maryland. The kids endured huge pressure. There were six hundred million viewers for the final round because, after all, India considers this their Super Bowl.
• Bill Clinton is reported Friday to have accepted donations from FIFA on behalf of the Clinton Foundation while he was lobbying FIFA to allow the U.S. to host the World Cup tournament. Let's just enjoy him while we can. It's a little late in life to be asking Bill Clinton to reject an international body.
• Bill Clinton accepted a five hundred thousand dollar fee from a small charity called Happy Hearts last year. It raises money for Indonesian kids victimized by the tsunami. He gave the half million to the Clinton Foundation, which raises money for Arkansas kids victimized by the vast right- wing conspiracy.
• Hillary Clinton's campaign revealed she'll announce for president at a rally next week in New York. She'll kick off the day by giving an interview to George Stephanopoulos of ABC News. The announcement was made by Hillary Clinton's press spokesman, George Stephanopoulos of ABC News.
• GOP former Senator Rick Santorum announced Tuesday he will run for the GOP nomination for president this year. He's vowed if elected president that he will crack down hard on the porn websites. Political analysts warn this could really hurt Rick with the every-single-man-in-America vote.
• Blues legend B.B. King was laid to rest in the Mississippi Delta where he was born Saturday after tens of thousands of fans filed by his coffin. There's real controversy. Two of B.B. King's daughters claim that B.B. was poisoned but a Google search of his song lyrics shows no criticism of Vladimir Putin.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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