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Jewish World Review June 18, 2013 / 10 Tamuz, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The U.S. Census Bureau reported the white population declined by twelve thousand people last year. Whites will be a minority sooner than expected. Republicans could just kick themselves for appointing all those judges who are opposed to affirmative action.
• Attorney General Eric Holder accused fugitive Ed Snowden of damaging U.S. national security by revealing the NSA's Internet-spying program Friday. The attorney general said Ed Snowden may be working for China. At least somebody's trying to work off the debt.
• Senator Lindsey Graham said that Ed Snowden's leaks will hurt the NSA. That defies logic. Now that we know how a high school dropout can make a two hundred grand salary and live in Hawaii with a pole dancer the NSA is sure to attract our best and brightest.
• White House guards caught a guy leaping over the wall holding a spray paint can. He said he had a message for the president. He didn't need spray paint to give a message to the president, all he had to do was post a private message to his girlfriend on Facebook.
• Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton joined Twitter Wednesday, attracting half a million followers in the first day. It's going to make her Benghazi defense much easier. All she's got to do is stall for one hundred and forty characters and Twitter will cut her off.
• Turkey rioted against Prime Minister Erdogan last week. He tells Turks what to eat, when they can drink alcohol, how many babies they should have and how to feed them. His ambitions don't stop at wanting an Islamic caliphate, he wants to be mayor of New York.
• Anthony Weiner surged into a tie for the lead in the New York mayor's race in all the polls. His sex scandal wound up helping him to get his message out. No candidate in the high-tech era ever got his campaign texts and e-mails opened faster than Anthony Weiner.
• The Los Angeles School District gave out two Chevrolets to students for their perfect attendance. They're doing it all backwards. L.A. students who have terrible attendance should be required to drive Chevys, and just the threat will have them in their seats for first hour.
• Anthony Weiner pulled into a tie for the lead in the New York Mayor's race Thursday in all the local polls. His determined campaigning style is paying off. He's also the candidate who's most widely recognized by the public, and that's just from the waist down.
• Kanye West cheated on his pregnant wife Kim Kardashian with a chick he picked up at his show. So a rapper cheats on a wife who's made an online sex tape. Kanye and Kim are showing us that the best way to beat NSA spying is to have no secrets in the first place.
• Whitey Bulger went on trial in Boston for murders over twenty years ago. He'd been hiding in Santa Monica. Police got a warrant for probable cause when neighbors said that he never jogged or bicycled and they thought they could hear Fox News under the door.
• An Oklahoma evangelical sued the state over its license plate that depicts an Indian shooting a rain arrow across the sky. He says it's a religious ritual that should be separate from state. The Five Civilized Tribes were forced to move to Oklahoma by a not-so bright Andrew Jackson, following the only war in history where the losers got the oil land.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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