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Jewish World Review June 28, 2012/ 8 Tamuz, 5772 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Jerry Jones joined the Cotton Bowl to try to bring college football's new title game to Dallas. It'll generate hundreds of millions for the schools and the players play for free. It's called the Cotton Bowl because the Plantation Bowl didn't test well with GM car buyers.
Washington D.C. tour guide Sean Williams launched his new American Scandals Tour of D.C. He takes tourists where Marion Barry, Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton and JFK acted up. Everybody leaves the tour bus feeling sad that JFK didn't live long enough to get caught.
Democrats had to cancel a Charlotte NASCAR event to kick off the party convention in September. They thought they'd raise thirty million from the only sport with Rebel flag decals. It's more evidence that President Obama gave up cigarettes but not smoking.
The Women's Tennis Association approved a hand-held device for umpires to use to penalize women who grunt and shriek too loudly. It's embarrassing. Many men who can no longer afford pay cable channels now watch women's tennis with their eyes closed.
Charlie Sheen's sitcom Anger Management debuts on FX tonight. He's a former ballplayer with rage issues who counsels others with his affliction. The thing Charlie Sheen likes most about being an actor is that you get to play people with just one affliction.
Homeland Security announced it will refuse calls from Arizona police who check on detainees. It set off a furious debate. Half of al-Qaeda's ruling council think it's so stupid they should enter through Arizona while the other half think it's so clever it must be a trap.
The Justice Department set up a toll free number for illegal aliens to call if they feel disrespected by Arizona cops Tuesday. How handy. When you call the number the voice mail asks you to press one for Spanish, press two for Spanish and press three for Spanish.
Jimmy Carter accused President Obama of human rights abuses with his drone strikes on terrorists in Pakistan. It's obvious what's happening here. Jimmy Carter sees Barack Obama coming and he is trying to cement his position as the worst president in U.S. history.
The Texas Electric Reliability Council reported a record demand for power Tuesday due to a heat wave. The statewide demand reached sixty-five thousand megawatts at five o'clock. To save power the Texas State Prison executed prisoners on electric bleachers.
Congress votes today on a motion to hold Eric Holder in contempt for refusing to hand over e-mails on a sting operation against Mexican cocaine cartels. It's very ironic. Snorting cocaine gives you the exact same feeling as being named Attorney General, you feel very powerful for about twenty minutes and then suddenly, everybody's out to get you .
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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