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Jewish World Review June 18, 2004 / 29 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Glen Campbell got a ten-day jail sentence in Phoenix Tuesday for drunk driving and smashing into another car and leaving the scene. He told the judge he's going on the wagon. Being from Arkansas, that means he is going to cut down on his driving.

The Olympic torch arrived in Los Angeles Wednesday and long distance runners hauled it through town. Crowd turnout on the streets was sparse. Whenever an old flame arrives in Los Angeles people hide in their houses and don't answer the phones.

Lisbon police encouraged English soccer fans to smoke pot at the championship in Portugal. There are two possible explanations. They either thought it would make the fans less violent or the king's brother-in-law has the Twinkie concession at the soccer stadium.

The New York Post reported there are three hundred thousand new millionaires in America this year. It merely proves John Kerry's point. You can't open the newspaper without reading that more and more people are falling out of the middle class.

John Kerry spent Wednesday in his Senate office holding secret interviews of his potential running mates. He met with his rivals and with his supporters. It is easy to get along with John Kerry, the secret is to treat him like any other god.

Bill and Hillary Clinton's official presidential and First Lady portraits were unveiled in the White House Monday and generated rave reviews for artist Simmie Knox. Hopefully, he was paid enough to cover all his costs. They were oil paintings.

Bill Clinton's memoir My Life comes out Tuesday and is almost a thousand pages long. All the writing he did has yielded an unexpected bonus. So many trees were cut down to publish this book he can finally see the green on his second shots.

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