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Jewish World Review June 1, 2004 / 12 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Greatest Generation was saluted at the World War II Memorial Saturday. They survived the Depression, defeated Hitler, and saved Western Civilization. It shows what a generation can do when it has the discipline to stick to alcohol and tobacco.

The Automobile Club said Sunday that three-dollar-a-gallon gasoline could be a reality by fall. It changes people. No one wants to say stealing is the answer, but polls show most Americans favor Rickey Henderson to be the new president of Iraq.

France will host sixteen heads of state at the D-Day anniversary ceremonies Sunday. The French government said for the first time in sixty years, Germany will be represented. To tell the truth, it's the second time, but it's considered bad taste to bring it up.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry gave an hour- long interview to the New York Times Friday. He didn't say much. John Kerry uses such long words that he can give an hour-long interview and still be described as a man of few words.

The White House hosted the Rolling Thunder motorcycle group Sunday. They are a tough-looking crowd. Animal rights activists harass people wearing fur instead of leather because it's a lot safer to throw paint on little old ladies than on bikers.

Bill Clinton will begin his book tour Thursday with a speech in Chicago. He's tanned, he's slim, and he will be meeting thousands of women at bookstores. Normally there's a poster of the book cover behind the author, but in this case there will be a giant legal disclaimer stating that you approach Bill Clinton at your own risk.

The New York Post says Bill Clinton is shopping for an apartment in town for weeknights. He's too hoarse to comment. For hours last night he practiced telling Hillary that cutting out his one-hour commute reduces our dependence on foreign oil.

Hillary Clinton raised a fortune for Arizona Democrats Thursday night. She's simply unbelievable. No one believed her four years ago when she said she loved her husband and no one believes her today when she says she hopes John Kerry wins.

Al Gore went wild onstage at New York University on Wednesday. He waved his arms and shouted and whipped the crowd into a partisan frenzy. The Agriculture Department immediately quarantined him until he could be tested for Mad Howard Dean.

The Day After Tomorrow opened Friday in which polar melting caused by global warming destroys the planet. There is no scientific basis for the claims in the movie. The ice shelf isn't breaking up, the Clintons insist they are happily married.

The FBI ignored a tip from a Denny's restaurant manager in Denver Wednesday. He claimed he saw two al-Qaeda suspects eating there. No one was arrested, but the hostess was fired for violating Denny's policy by seating them in the white section.

John Kerry told a crowd in Green Bay Friday he would restore relations with U.S. allies in Europe. Nobody cheered until he swore allegiance to the Packers. It was the second time in a week it appeared that he was taking Boston for granted.

John Kerry promised Tuesday that as president he would destroy the terrorists. He might have an edge in Middle East policy. By the time John Kerry is in the tenth minute of any speech, Arabs duck for cover thinking that a drone is overhead.

John Kerry spoke at an outdoor rally in Seattle Wednesday and the crowd got drenched by rain. The Secret Service would not let them use umbrellas. No one's allowed to bring umbrellas to a John Kerry rally in case The Penguin shows up to kill him.

John Kerry was introduced to a Seattle audience on Thursday by Gary Hart. He was chased out of presidential politics sixteen years ago when he was photographed with a beautiful blonde on his lap aboard a yacht called the Monkey Business. He was never going to carry the Red States by glamorizing the teaching of evolution.

Las Vegas ordered emergency water rationing on Thursday to battle the drought that's drying up the city's water supply. The consequences of the drought could be far-reaching. If Lake Mead drops another fifteen feet we could find Jimmy Hoffa.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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