Jewish World Review May 30, 2002 / 5 Sivan, 5762

Richard Lederer

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It is truly astonishing what havoc students can wreak on the chronicles of the human race | One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or test paper. It is truly astonishing what havoc students can wreak on the chronicles of the human race. The following "history" of the United States is cobbled from authentic, certified, and genuine fluffs and flubs, goofs and gaffe, and boo-boos and bloopers.

Because I rely on the kindness of strangers like you for bloopers, I invite you to e-mail me your best bloopers.

Christopher Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were named the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Columbus knelt, thanked G-d, and put the American flag in the ground. Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name for the Tarzans and Stripes.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called the Pill's Grim Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking, and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

America was founded by four fathers. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of independence, which says that all men are cremated equal and are well endowed by their Creator.

Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't. Washington was a very social man. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people have the right to bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his very own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emaciation Proclamation. Lincoln debated John Kennedy in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked better than Lincoln, who had pallor due to his assassination.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat by Robert Fulton caused a network of rivers to spring up. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, and Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

The First World War was caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist. During the early part of World War I President Woodrow Wilson urged the people to stay in neutral. Then he had many foreign affairs, and America entered the War. The unfortunate soldiers spent day after day up to their wastes in filth.

World War I made the people so sad that it brought on the Great Depression. Then the New Deal tried to make sure that the stock market will never happen again.

World War II happened when Hitler and the Knotsies had erotic dreams of conquest all over Europe, but Franklin Roosevelt went over there and put a stop to him. Hitler committed suicide in his bunk, and World War II ended on VD Day.

Martin Luther had a dream. He went to Washington and recited his Sermon on the Monument. Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate Scandal, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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JWR contributor Richard Lederer is a language maven. More than a million of his books, which have been Book-of-the-Month Club and Literary Guild alternate selections, are in print. He is the host of "A Way With Words," on KPBS, San Diego Public Radio, and a regular guest on weekend "All Things Considered." He was awarded the Golden Gavel for 2002 by Toastmasters International. Comment by clicking here.


05/16/02: A bilingual pun is twice the fun!
05/09/02: What's in a president's name?
05/03/02: Slang as it is slung
04/25/02: Abstemious words
04/19/02: This Riddle Isn't Letter-Perfect

© 2002, Richard Lederer