Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Johnny Depp's career as pirate Jack Sparrow is over according to industry insiders Monday. The intimate details revealed in any celebrity trial will stick to the celebrity for life, for bad or for good. Amber Heard was just hired by French perfume makers to endorse its new fragrance Chanel Number 2.

• President Biden while in Japan Monday stated that the U.S. would go to war with China to defend Taiwan. As always, his White House staffers walked Joe's statement backwards so smoothly it was moon-walking. If they did a better Michael Jackson impression we'd have to call Child Services on them.

• President Biden flew home from Asia Tuesday trying to keep up his diplomatic momentum. Joe's now trying to negotiate a peace deal between Saudi Arabia and Israel. We have the Saudis negotiating under Islamic law and Israel negotiating under Judaic Law and Biden negotiating under Murphy's Law.

• The White House expressed its determination Friday to take whatever measures are necessary to fix the baby formula shortage. This is personal. President Biden invoked the Defense Production Act to make up any shortage of baby formula or shortage of baby food, especially his favorite, Strained Peas.

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• President Biden got his lowest job approval rating at thirty-nine percent Friday but on a positive note, Biden can take credit for the drop in gang violence. Due to gas prices, drive-by shooting in Chicago is down seventy percent. Now they just walk right up and shoot you and save five bucks on gas.

• USA Today reported on an economic survey which found that nearly fifty percent of all young adults in America have moved back in with their parents. That's a very long time to go through childhood. They toss and turn every night frightened that Dave Chappelle is hiding underneath the bed.

• The Census Bureau reports a plummeting birth rate in the U.S. and blamed it on Millennials for putting off marriage well into their thirties. They're narcissistic, but they pace themselves smartly. As a rule, young adults in Los Angeles won't do cocaine, because it blocks their reflection in the mirror.

• The Beverly Hilton Hotel driveway was blocked by a bus Sunday emblazoned with swastikas and anti-Semitic slogans. Neo-Nazis exited the bus braying about Aryan might. I thought the issue was settled in 1945 when the notion of white supremacy was soundly defeated by the forces of white privilege.

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