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Jewish World Review May 11, 2020 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• California Governor Gavin Newsom issued a statement saying business will return to normal slowly, in careful stages. Everybody in L.A. had to be reminded by a sky-writing Cessna Friday that Sunday was Mother's Day in Los Angeles. It's the most confusing day of the year for Kylie Jenner.
• The House Intel Committee released secret testimony that exonerated Trump's 2016 campaign of recruiting foreign interference. It resulted in the year's highest one-day death toll. Three years of Late Night talk show jokes about Trump colluding with Russia died the death of a dog.
• President Trump's former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was cleared by the Justice Department, which said he'd been framed by rogue FBI agents into lying to save his family. After three years of legal torture, Michael Flynn is finally a free man. He celebrated by going to the kitchen.
• National Geographic posted a video of a Murder Hornet fighting with a Praying Mantis which resulted in the mantis biting off the hornet's head and eating it. The sport makes great TV. Don King says he'll be the Praying Mantis's manager and always has ninety percent of the mantis's assets.
• President Trump at a press conference announced that Nigeria called seeking aid for the Corona Virus that's reached Africa, and now he's going to send Nigeria two hundred and fifty ventilators. It's in exchange for the eighty trillion dollars the Nigerian Prince is going to send us.
• President Trump assured the country he will keep the Corona Virus Task Force in operation the rest of the year and he praised their tireless hard work and professional innovation. We've thrown everything but the kitchen sink at Corona Virus. We kept the kitchen sink to wash our hands.
• President Trump will be targeted by a new House committee claiming he betrayed America by late actions on Covid-19. No one feels more betrayed lately than Generation X. It's just dawned on them that The Brady Bunch, their favorite TV show growing up in the 70s, was just a Zoom Call.
• Science Today said Murder Hornets can be deadly but they feast on honey stolen from honey bee hives. A man at a Florida drive-in was bitten by a Murder Hornet while eating a roast beef sandwich soaked in Tabasco Sauce. He watched the hornet fly off and then exploded in a ball of fire.
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Mexico City saw protests by Mexicans this week who demanded the border with the U.S. be shut off to Americans. It's understandable why they feel a little culturally violated. This year Cinco de Mayo just happened to fall on Taco Tuesday but was canceled by a virus named after a Mexican beer.
• The White House told states to open for business as best fits its virus data and safety estimates. This past week Georgia opened up its bowling alleys and nail salons first, California opened up its beaches and cosmetic surgery centers first, and Washington DC, apparently, its mental institutions.
• The White House deflected blame for the damage from the virus Thursday but Baby Boomers know better than to blame Trump for China's latest virus attack. It started with Nixon's historic visit to Beijing in 1972 that opened up Red China to the world. I KNEW he'd end up screwing us all.
• The Los Angeles Times reports the Sheriff of Riverside County east of Los Angeles announced he will refuse to enforce the governor's orders for businesses to remain shut down in his county of two million people. Well, that is a switch. The Golden State now has sanctuary cities for Americans.
• The Corona Virus Task Force warned the nation not to reopen too quickly Tuesday. You can't work, you are home day and night, the government sends you money and Tiger King is a hit. After the World Trade Center attack we were All New Yorkers, and today we are ALL West Virginians.
• The London Star reports Willie Nelson quit smoking marijuana after sixty-five years of toking weed, saying it nearly killed him. This past week, Willie celebrated his eighty-seventh birthday. Willie Nelson's very existence provides astrophysicists with the confirmation of the Big Bong Theory.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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