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Jewish World Review May 21, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The World Health Organization published a new survey to measure how the obesity epidemic is sweeping the world and which countries are the most affected. It shows that Mexicans have replaced the Americans as the world's most obese people. That's because they're all living here.
&bull Disneyland and Disneyworld will not allow presidential campaigning in their parks this year. However with the 2020 campaign starting to heat up, Disney did cave in to partisan pressure and agreed to re-name Donald Duck simply Duck. To balance things out, Goofy will be re-named Biden.
&bull President Trump sent the USS Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier task force to the Persian Gulf to confront Iran over its attacks on U.S. interests. Military experts say the deployment risks turning the Persian Gulf into a theater of war. Sending Lincoln into a theater, what could possibly go wrong?
&bull Bernie Sanders posed with a black man who owns a fried chicken joint in South Carolina and was accused of racism for holding up a drumstick. Not again. I'm begging the Left to stop claiming fried chicken is racist, before it makes fried chicken so popular it takes an hour in line to get my order.
&bullMichigan GOP Congressman Justin Amash angered the White House and House Republicans by announcing that he favors impeachment, making Amash the darling interview of MSNBC and CNN last weekend. It makes no sense. Amash is a Libertarian and Trump is nothing if not a Libertine.
&bull Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell introduced a bipartisan bill that would raise the legal age for a person to be able to buy tobacco products to twenty-one. A cigarette is just like a squirrel. It's completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and set the end of it on fire.
&bull President Trump unveiled his immigration plan based on a person's education and high-tech skills. Brokers on the Commodities Exchange are the only crop pickers he wants to admit. Give us your tired, your poor, and your huddled masses yearning to abide by Apple's Terms and Conditions.
&bull The London Times reported that the International Bureau of Weights and Measures changed how to measure kilograms. It affects every metric measure down to grams. Adding everything up I discovered during my Twenties, I was overcharged by four hundred thousand dollars.
&bull Joe Biden's huge lead over the Democratic field suggested that mainstream voters are drawn to a centrist Democrat, not socialists. There's a new drinking game sweeping the country. Every time Elizabeth Warren proposes a new free government program you drink someone else's beer.
&bullHouse Democrats vow to sue President Trump to produce administration witnesses for grilling by committees. Trump has won four hundred and fifty lawsuits and lost thirty-eight. It took two-hundred-thirty years, but we finally have a president with a better won-loss record than Barry Switzer.
&bull The former FBI Director on CNN last week began dodging responsibility for the false information in the FISA warrant against the Trump campaign that launched the Russia probe. He shifted the blame to the CIA. James Comey insists he did everything by the book, and he did, if that book is 1984.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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