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Jewish World Review May 14, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
President Trump told reporters he'll meet with China's president Xi at the G-20 Summit and also meet with Vladimir Putin. China wants to destroy us economically while Russia wants to destroy us militarily. But it's like a fraternity reunion compared to dealing with House Democrats .
• William Barr appointed U.S. attorney John Durham to investigate the FBI's probe of the Trump campaign. It's to see if Obama partisans conspired to present a FISA court with false evidence to frame Trump. In a perfect comedy, Obama gets out of this by showing he was never legally president.
• U.S. News and World Report cited statistics showing that the divorce rate in the U.S. has soared to fifty percent of all marriages. Osama bin Laden lived in one compound with three wives and he never left the house for three years. It is now widely believed he called the U.S. Navy SEALs on himself.
• The Weather Channel reports that freak spring weather that's caused snowstorms in Colorado and flooding in Houston has left Southern California buried beneath low cloud cover. We really need some sun here. My legs are so white, they just created a Go Fund Me page for Felicity Huffman.
• The New York Post says a Virginia man weighing nine hundred pounds had to have his house sawed open so he could be prosecuted as head of a cocaine conspiracy ring. I've never heard of a nine-hundred pound guy snorting cocaine, was it cut with butter? I hope they throw the library at him.
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Psychology Today released a study showing that manic-depression is on the rise in the U.S. It backs up another study that says Americans are the world's most depressed people, and for good reason. Apparently we are in danger of running out of mediocre white men to run for president .
• President Trump faces Crazy Bernie, Creepy Joe, an unpronounceable mayor, an Irish Texan who thinks he's Hispanic and a Massachusetts Okie who thinks she's Cherokee. This is nuts. We simply must find a way to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for president.
• Democrat candidate Senator Kamala Harris touted her ability to energize young voters up and down California. To energize young crowds in California, you must travel from Pacific Beach to Marina del Rey to West Hollywood to Silicon Valley and ask them one question. Who's got the blow?
• Astronomers at Livermore Laboratory in California reported findings Thursday saying that old stars collapse when they exhaust their supply of nitrogen. That's nonsense. Old stars collapse when they realize the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is their best chance of beating President Trump.
• Russia's Vladimir Putin slipped on the ice and fell while he was skating around a hockey rink in a victory lap and waving to the crowd after playing in a hockey game. He fell on his face looking very silly. Everyone in Europe had a good laugh at it, till they realized this is how World War I began
• Chancellor Angela Merkel refused calls to change Germany's national anthem that Germans have sung for a century. Some want to wipe away all traces of the Third Reich. I always thought that the guy who killed Hitler would be remembered as a hero, but Hitler never gets ANY credit for it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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