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Jewish World Review May 24, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Mexico’s former president Vicente Fox said he will meet with Donald Trump if he apologizes for his Cinco de Mayo tweet. It showed Trump eating a taco salad and saying he loves Hispanics. Of course Hispanics were first to point out that a taco salad is basically a salad surrounded by a wall.
• Secret Service agents shot a man who tried to enter the South Gate at the White House Friday with a gun in his hand. The shooting occurred three miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger. Obama was a little upset that the Secret Service shot a hole in one and he didn’t.
• Vice President Joe Biden in a speech Thursday called on Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation with each other on race relations in America. Tensions are high. Black people and white people have a tough time getting along in Los Angeles, because neither one of us speak Spanish.
• Democrats openly worried about rioting at the Democratic Convention by Bernie Sanders fans. They’re fervent. Bernie Sanders is the only seventy-four-year-old man in America who has college girls pointing at him and screaming without standing in a lineup at the police station.
• NASA scientists in Houston confirmed Wednesday that government astronomers have tracked down twelve hundred planets in the Milky Way that are capable of sustaining human life. This is big political news. If Trump is elected president everybody in Hollywood doesn’t have to go to Canada.
• The National Barbecue Association opened the summer’s outdoor cooking season on Tuesday by listing backyard grilling tips to make sure your steak isn’t undercooked. The idea is to avoid bacteria and salmonella. For instance, they say your steak may be undercooked if it’s eating the salad.
• White House adviser Ben Rhodes refused to testify in Congress after he admitted he lied about the Iran nuclear deal in order to sell it. It’s bad. It’s the biggest whopper since President Obama promised the American people that if you liked your bathroom, you can keep your bathroom.
• The National Weather Service released April’s temperature readings for the Eastern Seaboard showing the hottest April ever recorded in New York. The records go back over a hundred years. April was so hot Donald Trump took it into his poolside bungalow at Mar-a-Lago and had sex with it.
• Donald Trump met with Henry Kissinger to receive a foreign policy tutorial from the former Secretary of State. This is a big step. For years Donald Trump has been attacking beautiful women and Mexicans and Muslims and by meeting Kissinger it appears he’s ready to start attacking Vietnam.
• Bernie Sanders came roaring from behind in Kentucky Tuesday to edge Hillary Clinton in the state’s closed Democratic primary. Independents couldn’t vote, only Democrats. So it was a stroke of genius when Bernie Sanders at the last minute changed his name on the ballot to Colonel Sanders.
• Chicago air travelers were advised on Monday to arrive at the airport three hours early due to long lines at the TSA gates. It’s inconvenient, but it saves a lot of lives. Getting off the streets of Chicago and into the airport three hours early makes you that much less likely to be killed by gunfire.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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