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Jewish World Review May 23, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Bob Gates ripped Obama for not admitting U.S. combat troops are fighting ISIS in Syria. It’s a nasty world. If you think they’re fighting in Syria, CNN executives are debating about whether viewers want to watch non-stop coverage of a missing airliner or non-stop coverage of Donald Trump
• Senator Marco Rubio proposed a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol’s Statuary Hall to represent Florida. He wants it to replace the current statue representing Florida, of Confederate General Kirby Smith. And Marco still can’t understand how Trump beat him in Florida.
• Donald Trump was defended as a gentleman by his former girlfriend Rowann Brewer Tuesday, who added that the New York Times misquoted her to make Donald Trump look like a sexist boor. Her testimonial sounded a bit coached. She described Trump as a magnificent lover with huge hands.
• Donald Trump released a list Tuesday of eleven conservative GOP judges he’d consider nominating to the Supreme Court if he’s elected president. The same day he met with Henry Kissinger. Donald Trump is doing a good job of unifying the Republican Party, all it took was no other options.
• The Fox News poll came out on Wednesday showing Donald Trump with the lead over Hillary Clinton for the first time. Her camp is in total chaos. After the New York Times article portrayed Donald Trump as an incurable womanizer, Hillary doesn’t know whether to debate him or marry him.
• Governor Ed Rendell predicted that Democrats will carry women voters because Trump plays to attractive women and there are a lot more unattractive women than there are attractive women. It may have saved Trump’s life. Now feminists might be out of ammunition by the time they get to him.
• Governor Jerry Brown declared an end to the drought in California Thursday. The EPA says they won’t allow an excess-rainwater pipeline to be built from Texas to California because of the environmental impact it’d have on critical migration patterns. New voters could trip over it coming in.
• North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory said Wednesday that Congress should step in and settle the trans-gender bathroom controversy. Don’t count on it. The last time Congress got involved in a bathroom issue, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho wound up at his retirement home in Pokafellow.
• The Washington Post released the results of a poll of Indian tribes nationwide that found that ninety-percent of Native Americans are not offended by the Washington Redskins name. What a shock. It’s the highest approval Indians have ever given to anything with the name Washington in it.
• Highmark Health Insurers sued the U.S. for the two hundred million dollars the U.S. owes them for Obamacare reimbursements. The insurers are facing the same extra expenses as the patients. Obamacare is just like one of those hospital gowns that ties in the back, you just think you’re covered.
• Philadelphia began worrying about riots at the Democratic Convention after a Bernie Sanders mob got violent in Nevada’s state convention. Security is iffy. Philadelphia is broke and can’t pay overtime, so cops are being asked to work just for the chance to beat demonstrators at a historic event.
• Donald Trump released a list of eleven judges he’d consider nominating to the Supreme Court if he’s elected president on Tuesday. The list accurately reflects his world view. There’s one judge from Yale, one judge from Texas, two judges from Utah and seven judges from the Miss USA Pageant.
• The GOP on Tuesday formed a political action committee called Amish PAC to convince sixty thousand Amish voters in Pennsylvania and Ohio to vote for Donald Trump. Presentation is everything to the Amish. Don’t miss Donald Trump entering Lancaster in a horse drawn Boeing 747.
• Donald Trump said in an interview Tuesday as president he’d have no problem speaking with North Korea’s brutal dictator Kim Jung Un. This could really work out for U.S. interests. If there’s one thing Kim Jung Un is sure to respect, it’s the one man in the world with crazier hair than he has.
• California’s Attorney General agreed to investigate why gasoline prices in California are over a dollar higher per gallon than the rest of the U.S. Critics say that Californians are being screwed by the big oil companies. It’s no accident that the number one actor’s name in porn movies is Derrick.
• CNN says a Saudi divorced his wife the day of their wedding because she was too busy texting friends to have sex with him on their wedding night. Such is the state of love today. A man never knows five minutes into lovemaking if his wife is shrieking from pleasure or from iPhone withdrawal.
• The British Museum curators said they discovered an original copy of America’s Declaration of Independence in their basement vault in London. It got nice laugh. Parents always save the notes that their children write to them, especially the ones that say they’re running away from home.
• Donald Trump met with Henry Kissinger Tuesday for a foreign policy tutorial from Nixon’s legendary diplomat. As a young Harvard professor in 1957, Kissinger wrote a book on how America could survive a nuclear war with the Russians that was so scary that Hollywood’s Stanley Kubrick made Kissinger the role model for Dr. Strangelove. Six Flags never had a ride as wild as the Cold War.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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