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Jewish World Review May 10, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
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The White House announced that U.S. government documents will no longer refer to convicted lawbreakers as felons, convicts, grifters or criminals. They say it stigmatizes them. From now on, they’ll be described in terms such as legally-challenged, NFL draft pick, and Democratic front-runner.
• Donald Trump infuriated Hispanic activists on Thursday by tweeting a photo of himself eating a taco salad at his office desk in Trump Tower and wishing Americans a Happy Cinco de Mayo. The symbolism wasn’t lost on his critics. A taco salad is basically a salad with a wall built around it.
• Donald Trump refused to apologize to offended Hispanics Thursday for tweeting the picture of himself eating a taco salad to celebrate a Mexican holiday. He’ll survive. Americans may elect Donald Trump president out of morbid curiosity just to see what he’ll do for Martin Luther King Day.
• Donald Trump was cheered by West Virginia coal miners Thursday after his win in Indiana allowed him to sew up the GOP nomination. His visage was a little too dazzling. Trump was wearing so much face-bronzer it looked like he was running for president of the Seattle chapter of the NAACP.
• Sarah Palin went rogue Sunday and vowed to try to unseat Speaker Paul Ryan in his district for his hesitation to endorse Donald Trump for president. It’s not easy to be funnier than Sarah. During her most recent speech, Sarah Palin’s train of thought derailed and there were no survivors.
• Hillary Clinton supporters bombarded Bernie Sanders’ Facebook page with porn photos and porn videos, forcing them to shut down the site. Porn is way too easy to shoot today. The Clintons would be living in Australia today if Monica Lewinsky had owned one of today’s cell phone cameras.
• Saudi Arabia’s government announced Friday it has fired the kingdom’s longtime Oil Minister for not curtailing drilling, for allowing oil prices to crash, and for losing control of the oil market. Losing that job is a pretty big deal. It’s like the guy in Ireland who messes up the recipe for Guinness Stout.
• The Philadelphia Inquirer said the state of Pennsylvania has made one hundred sixty million dollars by selling driver’s license info to buyers. Nice little racket. It’s used mostly by blackmailers who threaten to use the information on dating sites to show people’s real age and what they look like.
• IRS officials had difficulty explaining to Congress on Friday where they got the money to hire seven hundred new employees to work on tax audits. It scares everybody. Nobody knows where they’re going to be assigned, but if Donald Trump gets elected, he could be the first to flee to Canada.
• President Obama told reporters he’s committed to building a monument in Washington D.C. honoring the gay lifestyle in America. It came as a big surprise to locals. Everybody thought that the tarp covering the Washington Monument was just to protect it from the rain during renovations.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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