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Jewish World Review May 3, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Donald Trump evaded protesters trying to block his entrance to the Hyatt at a California GOP convention Friday. On live TV, Trump had to run across the freeway, wade through a gully, climb over a barbed wire fence, then slip into the service entrance. That’s how everyone comes to California.
• Donald Trump’s speech in Costa Mesa Thursday was marred by rioters outside the arena. It’s backfired in his favor. Trump may send all the illegal aliens down to Mexico and drive the celebrities up to Canada, but if it gets the San Diego Freeway moving, he could carry Los Angeles in a landslide.
• The Los Angeles Times praised the rioters who jumped on police cars prompting blood to shed outside a Trump rally in Costa Mesa on Friday, calling them a revitalized Latino rights movement. These protesters have one message for the GOP candidate. They want to make America Mexico again.
• The Pentagon leaked a defense intelligence report warning about China’s increasing ability to wage war from satellites orbiting the earth. They say China has a new laser so powerful it can create an artificial star. That’s nothing, here in Southern California, Kris Jenner created six of them.
• The National Football League held its annual college player draft in Chicago Thursday before millions of fans watching the player selections. The NFL commissioner has done a great job of target-marketing the sport. For the first time ever, the NFL draft was simulcast on ESPN and COPS.
• Miami Marlins star and NL batting champ Dee Gordon was suspended eighty games for using PEDS. It just ruins a great athlete’s legacy. Jack Kennedy’s Addison Disease required him to take steroids, so his record for most adultery in the White House will always be accompanied by an asterisk.
• National Public Radio suffered a full minute of silence Thursday after kids started playing in the control room during Take Your Children to Work Day. It could have been a lot worse. Take Your Children to Work Day is easily the most uncomfortable day of the year in the adult film industry.
• Hillary Clinton apologized to Native Americans after she told NBC News she had dealt many times with men who’d gone off the reservation. It’s odd for her to apologize. She’s the one who charged companies two hundred thousand dollars for her talk entitled the Importance of Free Speech.
• Titanic: Honor and Glory is a new video game that depicts the Titanic hitting the iceberg and sinking with the crew and male passengers aboard. It takes three hours. To this day, lawmakers will only sail on Italian liners, because there’s none of this nonsense about women and children first.
• A Carnival Cruise Ship sailed into Havana, becoming the first U.S. cruise ship to dock in Cuba in years. What mad U.S. general engineered this attack? There’s always enough novo-virus on a Carnival ship for Cuba to haul us into the World Court and charge us with waging biological warfare.
• President Obama delivered a hilarious monologue at the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday. It was the fifth anniversary of the raid on bin Laden’s compound, and Obama was able to say the same thing at the end of the correspondent’s dinner that he said at the end of the raid. I killed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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