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Jewish World Review May 27, 2013 / 18 Sivan, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Fox signed Kiefer Sutherland to return as U.S. counter-terrorism agent Jack Bauer next season in Twenty-Four. The episodes can't air soon enough. Al-Qaeda has just struck Sweden, London, Boston and Syria and we need a weekly anti-Muslim video to blame it on.
• President Obama changed U.S. drone missile attack policy Thursday. He ruled that the U.S. will no longer use drone missiles to kill terrorists if innocent bystanders can get hurt. From now on al-Qaeda leaders will conduct all their operations in front of a studio audience.
• President Obama declared victory in the War on Terror Thursday. He urged Congress to repeal the Force Authorization Act passed after the September 11th attacks. He's going to Cairo next week to accept al-Qaeda's surrender from Mante Te'o's imaginary girlfriend.
• Germany was rated the most popular country in the world Friday in the BBC's annual world rating poll, with Japan second. Iran and North Korea finished at the bottom. It just proves that if you build quality cars it goes a long way toward making up for old war crimes.
• President Obama told Attorney General Eric Holder Friday to investigate the Justice Department's spying on AP reporters. Action was swift. Within the hour, Eric Holder cleared Eric Holder of any and all crimes and recommended huge compensatory damages.
] • A San Diego photographer accidentally took a daytime photo of a UFO heading north over the city Thursday. The locals weren't that surprised. Once they raised the border fence and closed off the tunnels you knew the aliens would figure out some way to get here.
• Jodi Arias's Phoenix jury deadlocked over whether or not to execute her. She pleaded for her life the day before, claiming that her hair could be used to find a cure for cancer. This is the extent to which female comedians have to go to make Jerry Lewis laugh.
• Pennsylvania police charged a former Pittsburgh judge Friday with stealing cocaine from the evidence bags he required prosecutors to bring into court. He snorted the evidence against some dealers. Chaos erupted in the courtroom when he sentenced himself to probation for snorting powdered cocaine and two years in jail for smoking crack.
• Time magazine uncovered high school prom photos of President Obama and his date thirty-four years ago in Hawaii. It got everyone's attention. The palm tree visible through the windows make it look like Hawaii, but the zebra next to the palm tree makes you wonder.
• A Washington state interstate bridge collapsed over the Skagit River Friday between Seattle and the Canadian border. Cars and people were dumped into the shallow river unharmed. It was just one more obstacle for Mexican workers going north for a better life.
• Anthony Weiner announced he will run for mayor of New York Tuesday. He resigned from Congress after he was caught sending lewd texts and graphic photos of himself to women he met online. He will be allowed to run under his porn star name, Anthony Weiner.
• North Korea test-fired short-range missiles Friday that could reach Japan, China and Russia. They also tested a missile that can reach the United States. The reason there are no North Koreans on board the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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