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Jewish World Review May 9, 2005 / 30 Nissan, 5765 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
North Korea finished preparations for the detonation of its
first atomic bomb Friday by building a reviewing stand to watch
the blast. Are they insane? Baby Boomers don't have the sense G-d
gave a goose and even we knew to get under the desk.
The Pentagon said Friday North Korea will soon test an
atomic bomb. Satellite photos show extensive preparations
including construction of a reviewing stand. And to think we've
been trying to build a bunker-buster to wipe out their leadership.
Shaquille O'Neal slammed Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss
over his dating habits Thursday. He said that it's not healthy for
sixty-year-old men to date twenty-year-old girls. The side effects
include blue-tinged vision and impeachment.
Senator Harry Reid called President Bush a loser during a
speech in Las Vegas Friday. It was a compliment if you understand
the local slang. In Las Vegas when they call you a loser you get
free rooms, free drinks and they send a plane for you.
Tony Blair won a third term as prime minister Friday after a
hard and bitter campaign over the Iraq war. It absolutely drained
him. If Tony Blair looked any more tired he would be taking
medical supply commercials away from Wilfred Brimley.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was criticized by two of its animal
welfare committee members Thursday. The company insists there's
nothing cruel or inhumane in the way they prepare their chickens.
They just tell them flat out that they're going to die.
New York prosecutors charged three doctors Tuesday with
giving large amounts of Viagra to the Mafia. In return, the
doctors got free auto repairs. Warner Bros. just bought the film
rights to the news story and plan to call the movie Woodfellas.
The Agriculture Department proposed a livestock tracking
system Thursday. It would give nine billion cows, pigs and
chickens individual ID numbers. On the bright side, it should
really speed up boarding on those Southwest flights to Vegas.
Abu Ghraib prison General Janis Karpinski was demoted
Thursday but she won't face criminal charges. Leash-wielding
Lynndie England got her conviction thrown out the day before. So
it turns out Martha Stewart wasn't abusive enough to her employees.
Lady Margaret Thatcher endorsed John Bolton for U.S.
Ambassador to the United Nations Thursday. This should snap all
the senators in line. A suggestion from Margaret Thatcher is the
closest thing on earth to a direct order from Ronald Reagan.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton |
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